Afraid

Sometimes I think I'm afraid of success.  I avoid working on my thesis, I binge when I'm getting closer to my health goals.  Still don't know why.

Today:
S: 7.5
W: 135
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 spinach, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili, banana
4:00 Indian burrito thing, banana
10:00-12:00 cookie dough, cookies, chicken noodle soup, chips and hummus

Grateful

Today I read about a girl with severe anorexia. I know that I think about what I eat and how much I weigh, or how I feel at different weights more than some people do.  But I am so grateful that I eat, and eat mostly healthy food, and enough of it, and that I have learned not to beat myself up when I have a bingey day.

Today I ate the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  It was what we had, it was what I wanted, and it was delicious.  Variety can wait until tomorrow.  Or the next day. The end.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137.8
E: pm yoga
7:00 banana and roll
12:00 banana and roll
4:00 banana and roll

Forgiveness.

I happen to be human.  Some more so than others.  Today was a very human day eating wise.  I ate more than what I needed/wanted of things that I didn't need/want.  Old, very old, habits die hard.
Gratefully, tomorrow is another day.  And I will try again.

Today:
S: 8 hours
W: 133.8
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana, part of a green smoothie
12:00 quart of green smoothie
6:30 2.5 rolls
8:00 2 servings of rice with magic chicken, some more magic chicken chicken, 3-4 pb cookies, 1pumpkiny bar.
9:00 few spoonfuls of magic chicken while cleaning up.

You know what to do/day of unwrapping

When I was a relatively new missionary, I asked President Tanner about how following the Spirit.  He told me that some things you just do because you've always done them, and that the Spirit will guide you in what to do when there's something new to do.

This morning, I was reading Sister Tanner's (not related to President Tanner as far as I know) talk The Sanctity of the Body, and was planning to read from some of my self-help-don't-eat-emotionally-books afterwards, but then I felt that I already know what to do, I just need to do it!

Here's the plan (and I don't know how close to 100% this plan will work, because of time constraints and holidays, but I'm going to do as well as I can!):
* ETL food as much as possible, only when hungry ("I'm saving my appetite." -Holiday Engagement)
* essentrics M-Sa ("Day of Unwrapping"prep, BYU-I devotional...working on this reference)
* yoga daily
* 20 minutes of cardio 3 days/week (probably T, W, and Sa)


Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 136 or 135.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana and walnuts
5:00 quart of orange juice
6:00 spring mix with tomatoes, some ranch and "fakin' bacon," a little bit of curry and rice, bit of banana bread, bite of bread dough

Miracles

I just watched the trailer for The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  I've been wanting to see it, and a friend posted the trailer on fb today, saying that she loved it.  In the trailer, the mom, Jennifer Garner, says, "He's something unexpected.  Our little miracle." It made me cry.

For forever, as in as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mama. I'm hoping that I still get to be one someday, but I think that part of the reason why I make sure that I'm so busy is so that I don't have to deal with the pain of not being able to live that dream yet.  I'm blessed to be able to be a "School Mom" to my students, and to love on my nieces and nephew (I'm secretly hoping that Ben and Erin's baby will be a boy so that we'll have even numbers), but I also want babies of my own.

I've also been feeling a need to REALLY get in shape.  So this is a redeclaration of my intentions to be as healthy as possible for my future family.  Here's to the miracle of change, the miracle of marriage, and the miracle of my family to be.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 137.4
E: 1 hour of shoveling snow, pm yoga
11:30 spring mix, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, walnuts and raisins

Thought about eating more later, but I wasn't hungry, so I didn't, even though I bought some delicious food for later.  Just because I have it doesn't mean it needs to be eaten now. I don't want to give up what I really want for something inconsequential and temporary.

Thesis, forever.

I spent 12 hours today on my thesis, with lots of interruptions.  But I'm caught up on my hour commitment! So I'm going to watch a movie and sleep in, and begin again.

Today:
S: 8 hours
W: 137
E: am yoga
10:00 walnuts and a banana
2:00 spring mix, chili, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes
4:00 grapes
6:30 sweet potatoe chili, walnuts and raisins.

Slowly Going Crazy

We had a math training today and I have to be DOING something all the time, or feel like I'm making progress.  And when I'm not, I compensate by doing unnecessary things, like eating, A LOT, when I'm not hungry.

I did it again this evening, eating carrots and hummus when I wasn't hungry.  But I worked on my thesis for 6 hours today, in spite of my yucky cold! :)

Today:
S: 5.5
W: 135.4
E: pm yoga
9-10:30 6 granola bars
11:30 spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili, a few grapes
3:00 quart of orange juice
6:00 hummus and carrots
7:00-? two quarts of orange juice