Exhausted.

Emotions are exhausting sometimes. So I'm super tired after many wonderful hours of talking and processing with V and Beth.

Today:
S: 7 hours?
W: 146
1:30 banana
2:30-5:00 lots and lots of yummy sushi

Work and time.

I haven't been keeping track of what I eat consistently, but it hasn't been ETL, vegan, or even vegetarian.  My body, brain, and especially face are paying the price.  But somehow I'm better than I have been in the past about not beating myself up.

This will take work and time, but I WILL keep going.

Rededicated.

Today I had one of those mornings where I woke up wondering why we even do what we do.  What is the purpose?!  Church helped, but I am in charge of what I think and feel and do.  So in keeping with one of the talks that was given, I am rededicating myself to Christ this Christmas.  One of the things that I have felt that I should do is to Eat to Live.  So as one of my Christmas presents for Christ, I am going to Eat to Live as much as possible. Como siempre, this decision will be a blessing to me too.  I will feel better physically, and I won't feel like crying or get discouraged so often because I'll be doing what I know.

Today:
S: 7?
W: 146.2
E: pm yoga
12:15 banana and walnuts
3:30 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, cilantro, banana

Ha ha ha.

I was going to work out today because it helps me feel good, but I sure didn't do it!  I DID sleep for a long time and get to go to the temple and spend the afternoon with Beth.

Today:
S: 9 + hours
W: 142
E: n/a
12:30 sushi
6:30 fries, key lime shake, boca burger on Blue Ribbon Burger
7:30 ice cream
11:30 Reeses Pieces

Sleep.

It's a beautiful thing.  So I am doing a lot of it.  Slept for 7.5 hours last night and took a nap this afternoon.  And will probably be in bed by 12:30 tonight.  LOVE holidays.  And I've been blessed to not feel that antsy feeling at all yet. Maybe I really do need a vacation every once in a while! :)

Today:
S: 7.5 hours
W: 143.6
E: 20 minute inside jog, pm yoga
10:30 banana
12:30 Zupa's nuts about berries salad and tuscan white bean veggie soup, bread
4:30 banana with walnuts
9:00 3 baskets of fries with fry sauce (my new go-to thing at Red Robin...only like $3 for bottomless fries...who needs a hamburger?!)

Why.

I have been on a major binge streak for too long.  I was thinking it was just in the last couple of weeks, but looking back over my goal charts, it's been going on for longer than that.  October was mostly in the 130s.  I started eating more and exercising less in November, and it's just gotten worse from there.

I don't know if I'm using food to punish myself, to numb myself, etc., but I do know that I'm not living up to my potential, that I'm not feeling as good as I need or want to.

I need to do this so that I can be closer to my Heavenly Father.  That is my why.  Here's to new beginnings.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 148.2/147.6
E: 25 minute walk/run (it felt SO GOOD to be outside and MOVING!), essentrics a/a
10:30 hot water and lemon
1:00 half a cafe rio veggie salad (lunch with Elizabeth F.)
4:30 a banana, the rest of my cafe rio salad with part of a palta and some lemon juice added.

Eating the World

I tried to today.

S: 7 hours
E: n/a
W: 144.8
12:00 banana
1:30 nachos (no meat, though) and coconut chex mix
3:00 6 cookies
7:30 cafe rio veggie salad, ice cream, circus cookies
12:00 chips and hummus, cheesecake

Completely, and for good.

My friend Mary blogs and today her post was about the conversion of Scrooge.  She talked about how the spirits show Scrooge what he needs to do, and he changes completely, and for good.

I so know what I need to do for my health.  I've been hearing more cancer stories, and by-pass references, and diabetes scares.  And usually that's enough to get me back on the health band-wagon.  But not lately.  I've eaten too much every day for the last month, probably.  I eat until I'm physically hurting.  And it doesn't heal my emotional hurts either.  I don't know what to do to help me change completely, and for good.  Maybe having a schedule and sticking to it?

Today:
S: ?
E: n/a
W: 144.6
12:00 spring mix, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili, a banana
4:00 a banana
5:00 2 containers of hummus with corn chips, butterscotch clusters from Miss Grace

Bingey Monday.

Today:
S: ?
W: 143.4
E: n/a
12:00 2 bananas
5:30 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, palta, chili, several cookies
8:00  cookies and frosting and milk
10:15 samosa wrap

Chipping away.

My amazing friend Jordan posted this on fb today:

"Supposedly, when asked how he carved the famous 'David' statue, Michelangelo explained that he just had to chip away the pieces that weren't part of David.  I feel like this happens when we go through trials...they refine us.  My heard definitely goes out to friends and strangers that are having a rough time right now. Hang in there!"

I have been doing things that aren't a part of the real me.  Eating things I shouldn't because they don't make me feel my best, doesn't help me feel the Spirit.  I will keep trying.

Today:
S: 6 hours?
W: 142.4
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
4:00 cookie dough, cookies, salad
5:45 crackers with cheese and summer sausage
9:00 peanut butter balls, pound cake, milk

Healing

It's something that the world needs, that the families and friends in CT need, that each person needs.

Sometimes I'm better than others at letting myself heal.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 140.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 2 bananas and walnuts
2:00 spinach and fiesta mix, another banana
4:00 chips, chili, a cookie, a little cake
4:30 batch of marshmellow popcorn

Time to do.

In my blog reading today, I came across this video.  I like how this man decided to do what he could, and he achieved his dream.  And he's happy.

My favorite part: If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it.

There are so many things that I want to do.  They don't get done unless I do them.

Today:
S: 3 hours
W: 146.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
4:00 coconut cupcake of deliciousness
6:30 berry nut salad and Tuscan white bean soup

Not much too much...

But still too much.  This is one of our (Beth, Jesse, and I's) favorite videos.  Makes us laugh every time, and we use the words "much too much" on a semi-regular basis.

Today I didn't binge quite as much as I have the last couple of days, but it was still too much.  Working on it.  Still think I'm excusing myself too much.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 146.8
E: pm yoga
12:00 soup, salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden, pecan pumpkin cheesecake
5:00 a couple of cookies
9:30 lots of chips and hummus, a couple of cookies, bowl of granola with almond milk

Binging is not frying.

My friend, Vanessa, is so wise.  In our little chat tonight she reminded me that binging is not really frying my fish, and that I have bigger fish to fry.  I'd been using my emotions as an excuse to binge, but binging doesn't really solve anything, doesn't really help me deal with what's really hurting.  So I'll not try to eat perfectly mañana.  I'll just try to not eat more than I need.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 143
E: pm yoga
12:00 spring mix with fiesta mix
4:00 4 apples, 4 granola bars
6:00 6 pieces of pizza, Christmas candy

Agotada.

Can't seem to get my mind to accept that binging isn't helping me feel better.  So trying to eat my emotions, fill my heart with food today.

Today: 141.2
S: 4 hours
E: n/a
12:00 fiesta mix, grapes
4:30 2 king size paydays
6:30 LOTS of fries, a hamburger, ice cream

Monday madness.

I binged so much today.  V said it might be better not to try to control it, but I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet.  At least I know some of the reasons why I do it now.

I'm so exhausted.  Can't decide if that's better or worse than feeling everything right now.  Hurting for V and what she's dealing with right now. Have occasional moments of pain for Little Johanna, but most of the time, it's just my regular daily grind, in a very exhausted state.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
11:30 usual salad
4:00 grapes
5:00 4 pb and honey sandwiches, pasta sauce and artichokes
8:30 4 cinnamon rolls and milk.

I am a fighter.

I remember one reunion, Aunt Evonne and Kristy and I talking about being feisty.  Kristy said that she didn't see me as being feisty, and Aunt Evonne said "I don't know, I think Johanna can be pretty feisty when you get her going."

I am feisty tonight.  In a I-will-not-be-a-victim-anymore sort of way.  And I will do all that I can to help others heal as well, just like Vanessa and Beth and helping me heal now, and how I'm sure my therapist-to-be will help me, and most of all how my Savior, Jesus Christ will continue to help me.  I will work to be like Him.  I know there are hard and dark days ahead (I waited a little after coming home before logging in to chat with V. Not because I don't love her, or want to talk to her, but I wasn't quite ready to deal with my abuse for a little while, and I think that's okay), but I know that there is also healing and light in my future, lots of it.  Todo Saldra Bien.

Today:
S: 7 plus hours
W: 135.6
E: pm yoga
10:45 spring mix, chili, tomatoes, mushrooms, a banana
5:30 2 bowls of rice, lentils, tomatoes, pineapple and olives (my plant-based version of Hawaiian Haystacks)
7:30 couple of grapes, couple of bites of fiesta mix.

Choosing to heal.

Today has been eye-opening.  I'm choosing to heal, choosing to deal with this abuse that I experienced so long ago and that has been there all along.  It wasn't okay. It isn't okay.  And I'm so grateful for Vanessa and Beth and healing together.  Todo Saldra Bien.


Today:
S: 3.5
W: 136.6
E: pm yoga
8:00 tortilla, potatoes, salsa, 2 servings of applesauce
4:00 2 small bananas, spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili

I am worthy.

John couldn't come after all this weekend.  And in spite of me wanting to see him, it's actually a blessing in disguise for several reasons.  I can work on my thesis more, I am able to spend more time with Cassie before she moved to Portland, and I was able to have a multiple hour facebook chat conversation with my friend Vanessa about abuse.  I found out that she had been abused through her blog, and wrote her a message, mentioning that I had been too, when I was little. (Not by anyone related to me...but that is the case with some people). We talked about a ton of things, but one of the things that came up about me was that I am ready to start healing from this. I didn't realize that it has effected me so much, but as we talked several things came up that made me think Oh! Maybe that's why I do this, or act this way, etc.

So I'm trying to believe that I am worthy of being healed.  And I'm trying to get out of the long-term habit of thinking it's not that big of a deal.  Talking with Cassie helped, but V thinks that it's something that I need to talk about with my family too.  And that's a big deal. My parents know, but I hate being vulnerable ever, much less in front of siblings and in-laws that I already feel vulnerable around sometimes. And I worry that my dealing with my past will make it seem like I don't feel like Beth's past is as important.  But both Cassie and Vanessa say that it will probably actually allow her to face her own past experiences.

Today:
S: 5 hours
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili
4:30 orange julius with Beth

Victory!

So many great things today!
I survived teaching today (so tired!) and love my kids.
I didn't call for Brick Oven like I wanted to after school.
Our grant money is all used, so I don't have to log hours! Which means I can sleep tonight! And just work until it's done, which I like better than the hourly thing.  So grateful to have been paid to do this!
AND, Ramona's family has been chosen by a birth mother!  So exciting!!!

Today:
S: 5 hours?
W: 139.4 or .6
E: pm yoga
7:00 banana
11:30 chicken soup with veggies, salad with nuts, raisins and dressing, and a couple of bites of delicious cookie, a banana
4:00 banana, apple, 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and honey

Miracles.

I believe in them.  Today was one.  The fact that I will get 20 hours more of thesis work in in the next 2 days is one as well. Habra milagros hoy si tienes fe.

Today:
S: 4.5 hours
W: 141.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
5:30 banana, bindhi aloo, apple

Vulnerable

That's how I'm feeling right now.  JA hasn't written since Sunday night, and I know he's busy, but I'm feeling like the semi-forward line I put in the last email probably has him running for the hills just because he hasn't answered.  Oh, wait.  No need for him to run!  He's already 6 hours away.

And Beth and I went and had our bf% tested.  I've lost 18 pounds and 4% bf since January 25, 2011.  I've been lower in weight and bf since then, and I'm still in the "moderately lean" category, rather than the "excess fat" category, but it wasn't as low as I was thinking/hoping right now.

So I came home and ate.  Brilliant plan.  And then Beth bought cookies and of course I ate most of them.  I just can't do this anymore!  SOMETHING has got to change.  And I'm the only one who can choose for me.

Today:
S: 8 hours!
W: 136.8
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 Cafe Rio Salad
4:30 bowl of granola and almond milk
5:00 18 cookies and a bowl of vegetable soup
9:30 rice and bindhi aloo

addiction.

I talked to Marissa Jensen about food today while my kids were looking at the Santa's shop stuff.  She's stopped eating sugar (8 months ago) and has decided it's going to be this way for the rest of her life. I'm excited to talk to her more about it.

I'm addicted to sugar.  I'm also addicted to time-sucking activities on the internet.  I worked for 8 hours on my thesis today, but too many writing minutes were spent on non-thesis-related things.  Need to do better.

Beth is being my mother right now, and made my lunch for me with a cute note written on a paper towel.  She is truly saving me.

Today:
S: about 6 hours
W: 138.8
E: essentrics a/a
6:30 pecans and a banana
12:00 romaine, spinach, fiesta mix
4:00 banana, clementine

Blessed.

Beth and I are Eating to Live together, and it makes it so much easier to be accountable to someone.  She has also volunteered to be our vegan chef while I finish up my thesis. LOVE HER. And when J, J, M, A, and B and E came over for dinner and the AMAZING First Presidency Christmas Devotional, they all helped me cut out snowflakes. And I got an email from my Boise Boy.  And there are only 2.5 weeks of school left and I've been inspired with a plan for this month's seating chart that I think will facilitate good working and learning and behavior.
Don't know how I could be more blessed.  My God is with me every hour and is helping me through this crazy time.

Today:
S: ?
W: 139.6
E: n/a
5:30 banana bites with Mathis
6:00 2 corn tortillas with lentil taco filling, lettuce, tomatoes, and palta, 1 banana
7:30 bite of lentils, few bites of tomatoes, few chips and salsa (cleaning up)

Sweet Saturday

I slept for 9 hours last night, and took a nap today.  It was lovely.  I also ate to live, and did essentrics.  Feeling good.  Ayunando for service, thesis and health.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 142.6 (20 to go, baby!)
E: essentrics a/a
11:00 banana
2:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad of deliciousness