Self-sabotaging.

I'm getting better at not doing it as often, but I still cave sometimes.

I did pretty well about not self-sabotaging with food today.  I didn't eat all my hummus or smoothie this evening, because I didn't need to.

I did, however, do a lot of self-sabotaging by managing my time poorly.  The end result being, I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm making progress (slowly, but surely).

I had a good cry about Sammy and the clan.  And I looked at plane tickets to Australia...about $2,000 round trip, in case you want to know too.  Which you should.  Australia is my current geographic crush.

Today:
W: 137.4 (excited to see what better ETL fidelity is going to do for me this summer!)
E: pm yoga
B: n/a...slept in and wasn't hungry until later.
L: spinach with mushrooms and fiesta mix, orange, walnuts and raisins
D: 3 bananas, part of a green smoothie (LOVE the peach ones!...bless the soul who uncovered the peach stash in the basement freezer from it's grave of frozen chicken!), carrots and half a container of hummus.

Failing.

I'm afraid of it.  So I avoid situations that are difficult for me.  Because it's easier to have never tried and fail that way than to really try and come up lacking, not enough, behind, failed.

I think I've blogged about this before.

So I find things to distract me so that I don't have to face my fears, and can drown my self-doubts and hide from myself and my weaknesses and strengths.  So I don't have to own up to my failures or successes.  So I can just blend in with the mediocre masses instead of doing what I'm meant to do, and being who I'm meant to be.  Totally living below my privileges here.

I've been avoiding chapter 2 of my thesis.  Don't want to do it.  But it needs to be done, so I'll try.  And probably fail the first 5 times.  But I'll keep trying.  Because I'm a glutton for punishment that way.

Today:
W: 143.2
E: pm yoga
B: orange
L: green smoothie
D: spinach with fiesta mix and mushrooms, an orange.

10 weeks to go...

Last night I chose to binge.  This morning I woke up determined to do better.  I have exactly 10 weeks until I turn 31.  I want to see what my body does when I give it the opportunity to heal and help itself because I eat to live.  So for the next 10 weeks, I'm going to EAT TO LIVE, stretch, and do some sort of at least semi-cardio movement every day.

Tonight Ramona told me to do what I do to stay awake...usually it's eating, but that doesn't fit with my new plan.  We'll see how I do.

Today:

W: 145.6

E: pm yoga, walking on campus

B: green smoothie

L: green smoothie

D: salad (guacamole, spinach, spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili)

Running.

I worked for hours today.  6 and a half to be exact. Should have worked more, and tomorrow I will.  This evening I spent time running away through distractions, instead of facing my problems head on.

Amy's friend asked her what kind of runner I am.  She said the kind that gets up in the morning, puts on shoes, and puts one foot in front of the other.  I wish I consistently did that.  I need to, both in physical running and in working on my thesis.  On the plus side, I didn't start avoiding until this evening, which is better than usual.

Today:
W: 141.6
E: essentrics a/a
B: banana?
L: salad plus 5 pieces of bread with pb and honey or apple butter (and here the binge began)
"D:" box of gingersnaps, can of chili with corn chips, container of hummus with corn chips.

You Can't Get Away From Being You.

Saturday when we went to see Baby Alexia, I was sure that I was going to look 5 months pregnant in the pictures because I'd eaten so much in the past couple of days.  I didn't look big at all, and I thought "You can't get away from being you."  A lot of my over-eating is an escape mechanism, trying to avoid whatever I've got to face.  But I can't escape being me, so I might as well be the best me I can be, and quit trying to bury the real me in food!

Today:
E: pm yoga
B: ayunando
L: rolls, canned veggies, salad, beans, lots of Kristen's delicious carob cookies
D: n/a

Cheating.

Eating non-ETL only hurts me. No one else cares whether I do or don't.  I know that I'm struggling emotionally (can't make myself love the idea of being a thesis-only person, and it was hard today knowing that I'm not Nancy either), but eating myself into a hole doesn't write my thesis or make me Nancy.  And I'm not supposed to be Nancy. Or Rachel.  Or Aunt Elaine.  I'm supposed to be Johanna.  And Johanna is supposed to write a thesis, Eat to Live, and be kind to herself...not cheating!

Today:
W: 143.8 (yes, that's almost 5lbs higher than yesterday...so stress eating!)
E: yoga
B: banana and walnuts
S: cinnamon rolls, quiche, fruit
L: green smoothie
D: ayunando

I can't believe...

that today was the last day of school.
that my bedroom is turning into a farm (incubator, 3 seed trays and 20 chicks)
that I ate SO MUCH today!

W: 139
B: 3 bananas and an orange
L: 2 baked potatoes with salsa, lots of wheat thins
S: Red Vines, Fresca, 3 bananas, package of vegan butterscotch cookies
D: grilled veggies and pineapple (pretty sure the veggies had some sort of batter on them...probably with egg, or dairy, or both) spinach, chick peas, melon, grapes, marinated olives, mushrooms and tomatoes, hearts of palm...MUCH TOO MUCH!

Johanna lives up to her potential.

That is not the comment that my teachers make about me, the way that Christian's teachers did about him. DA teaches me a lot...that I'm afraid to try, that I'm afraid to fall, that I need to keep practicing, etc, etc., etc.  Could this quote be any more perfect for me? "You need to suck it up and do what it is that you've been working for this whole year."  (although it's actually been more than two years that I've been working towards doing and being done with grad school.)  I do run from things I think I can't do.

Like my dancer friends, I'm trying to get better.  Which is why I will be in bed by 10pm, and get up early to write.  It's my best, most productive time, and I have a paper to turn in.

Today:
E: am/pm yoga
B: banana
L: green smoothie, orange, banana, walnuts
D: spinach, spring mix, tomatoes, chili, mushrooms, palta

What matters most

Yesterday in my meeting with Ramona, she said that more important than anything I do or anything else I'll learn during grad school,  is what I'll learn about myself, what I love, and what matters most to me.
She said that what we most value is often put at the mercy of other things.

Grad school is teaching me (again) that I love people more than things, that I would rather spend time with a friend or family than become something other than what I am.  But I think  that that makes me into more than I would be otherwise.  When I was downstairs filing cum files today at lunch, John, Jesse and Mathis showed up just to say hi.  They gave me some beautiful flowers as a "You can do it!" reminder.  The best part was seeing them.  I hate that family and friend time is being sacrificed for school.  Something to remember if I ever think I want to do a PhD.

Another thing that is being sacrificed, (and often is when I get busy, grad school or not) is exercise time.  I need to move!

Today:
E: pm yoga, tug 'o war
B: banana
L: green smoothie
D: spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, black beans

Much too much

(This was really yesterday's, May 21, post, but I forgot to post the draft that I'd made.)


So, I had all of these lofty goals about working out for an hour, getting my thesis paper in on time, having a fantastic day at school, not eating like a starved pig, and getting some yard work done today.

I haven't worked out and probably won't beyond yoga.
I've barely started the thesis assignment.
I DID have a good day at school.
I ate like a hungry pig, not a starved one.
I carefully wrapped myself in a blanket, sat in the sunshine, and did FHE assignments with a box of tissues close at hand instead of doing yard work.

I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to being sick. I try to take good care of myself, and I'm blessed with excellent health.  So when I am sick, it's rather disconcerting.  What do I do when my body needs 9-10 hours of sleep instead of the half of that that it usually gets?  How am I supposed to cram when I have no energy?  All in all, things that are normally fine are feeling like much too much.

Today:
B: 2 bananas with walnuts
L: spring mix with fiesta mix, an apple
D: corn chips with a can of chili, a banana, lots of walnuts and raisins.

Stress Binge

Today I basically sold my soul for the next three months of my life.  It was either that or wait until April to finish my thesis and graduate.  NO, THANKS!  In the meantime, I get to learn how to say "Just kidding, I can't do it," and "No. No. No." consistently.  Gotta make it happen.

I wasn't hungry when I got home from said soul-sale (really a meeting with Ramona, but she doesn't settle for half-way anything, so I'm in all the way, with no room for anything else, basically) but I ate anyway because I was making my smoothies for tomorrow.  And I ate some more because I can eat, even if I can't do anything else with my life.  So wise.  Right.

Today:
E: am yoga
B: banana and nuts
L: spring mix with fiesta mix, an apple
D: fruit (about the equivalent of 1.5 oranges, 1.5 bananas), 4 pieces of rye bread with peanut butter and honey, chips and a can of chili.

All three of my amazing roommates have offered to help.  Cassandra took out the trash and offered to help in any way she can.  Amy said to let her know if she can help, and volunteered to let me swear with her :)  Beth thinks she has to be me for the next three months, and has volunteered/agreed to take care of lawn-mowing, flower gardens, vegetable gardening, chicken chores, secretarial jobs in the form of emailing about the family reunion and getting estimates on the lawn.  It's a good thing she's taking over those things, because I wasn't doing such a swell job of keeping up with all of them anyway!  And she's volunteered to be the Happy Herbivore chef in our house, so that she and I can do ETL hard core for 6 weeks.

Salad is divine.

After binging last night, tonight's salad was SO good!  Thank goodness for real food.

Today:
E: 3+ hours of gardening, 45 minute hike with Emily.
B and L: n/a
D: spring mix, spinach, beans, mushrooms, palta, tomatoes, a banana....SO DELICIOUS!

Forks Over Knives

I watched Forks Over Knives again tonight (started last night).  I've been doing good about the vegan thing for the last few weeks (got over my leche asada induced dairy binge), but have had bouts of over-eating and eating processed foods.  If I took the time to cook more often and slept more, I think it would help.  Tonight was a bingey night.

Today:
B: green smoothie (spinach, strawberries, bananas, maple syrup, soy milk, spices)
L: 2 bananas and some walnuts
D: left over bindi aloo, an apple, 2 pieces of bread with PB and marmalade, 1 with PB and banana
S: hummus with corn chips, caramel striped short-bread cookies (see what I mean about vegan, but processed?)

One of the things that stood out on FOK this time around was that we are in control of our health and bodies.  The state of my body is a result of the choices that I've made and am making.  I know that plant-based is good for me.  I also know that I need to eat less processed foods, start RUNNING (felt last night that running and my thesis are correlated...that the thesis will go better if I'm running), do essentrics, and GET MORE SLEEP.

However,  knowing and doing are two different things.  I've known these for a while...just need to do more doing! :)

Life as Effie

Today Amy and I dressed as Capitol citizens.  Grateful that my plant-based diet allowed me to fit in my Effie dress.  And am so grateful that I don't have to dress like that every day!  I haven't been stress eating today, which is good.

Today:
E: pm yoga (didn't really do it yesterday, but I'm going to tonight!)
B: n/a
L: 2 bananas and some walnuts
D1: 2 bananas and some walnuts
D2: Zupa's Tuscan white bean soup (yummy veggies!), lettuce with mandarine oranges, pineapple, coconut, and macademia nuts.

A better day.

I didn't eat breakfast...wasn't hungry.  Lunch was bananas and nuts, and I didn't eat a whole lot of my bindi aloo at IP with Miss Amy, because I wasn't hungry.  Much better than yesterday's over-binge.

E: pm yoga
B: n/a
L: 2 bananas and walnuts
D: rice and some bindi aloo

Change needed!

I ate more today than I care to recall.  Ate 'til I was sick and beyond.  I don't want to think about it.  I just don't want to do it again.  Ever.

Today:
E: essentrics l/b
B: walnuts, 2 bananas
L: salad, banana
D: 2 bananas, walnuts, 6 pieces of bread with pb and jam, chili, tadka dal.

In for the long haul.

I stuck to my power three today and ETL (except for the palta) instead of giving in and eating sugar again.  I can do this, one day at a time.

Today was Amy's b-day!  Love that girl, and am so grateful for her!!!

E: 1.25 mile run (13 minutes), essentrics a/a
B: banana and walnuts
L: spinach, tomatoes, palta, chili, apple
D: green smoothie (spinach, strawberries, soy milk, spices, maple syrup)

I won't meander in the maze of mediocrity.

That's part of a very long quote shared in sacrament meeting today.  I do fine, but I don't want to just do fine.  I want to do and be better, to be excellent, and live up to my potential.

I've felt several times that I need to run, do essentrics, ETL, and get enough sleep.  If I can do these four things, I think I'll be good to go in excelling physically.  Tonight's post is short so that I can get to bed, get enough sleep, and wake up early to work on the running and essentrics!  I'm excited for a new day.  (And that it's my Amy's birthday!!!:)

Today:
B, L, and D: ayundando.
E: pm yoga

Saturday

Another binge day. Need more sleep, too.

B: 2 bananas and walnuts
L: spinach, spring mix, palta, chili, mushrooms, 2 bananas
D: spanish rice, vegan taco, package of cookies (turns out my favorite store bought cookies are vegan!), refried beans, chips and hummus

Remember

I think the reason that I binged so badly last night was because I didn't think about or remember my rules. In the moment, knowing that something is not good for me, or will incharme isn't enough to stop me from eating something, or eating too much.

Tonight, I remembered my rules, and stuck with them, and did fine.  I think having something specific to stick to that was made in a rational moment is helpful.

And last night, I stopped at one Reese's Piece because I found out after the one that they do have milk in them.  See, I do have some modicum of self-control!

Today:
B: n/a
L: grapes and a banana
D: 3 pieces of bread, peaches and strawberries

NS, 1 plate, EIP :)

Joy in the Journey

Some days I get a bigger glimpse than usual of just how blessed I am.  Today, in spite of my cansansia, is one of those.

I know I'm a daughter of God and that He loves me.
I have an amazing family.
I have the world's BEST friends.
I have a job I love.
I'm getting better and stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I'm continuously blessed with new things to learn, do and become.  I love this journey that I'm on!

And...part of the journey is to keep going when we hit road blocks, self or other imposed.  I wrote the first part this morning.  And then I binged a lot.  Tomorrow will be better.


B: n/a
L: 3 bananas and walnuts
D: hummus, veggies, fruit, chips, salsa, soda (lots of everything....so binged).

Autopilot

I just keep going because I don't know when or where to stop.  Too many things going on.  And when it's time to eat, I eat.  When it's time to work, I work (mostly).  However, when it's time to sleep, I can find a million other things to do instead, which sleep-deprived state does not add to my spirituality or effectiveness.  Need to work on that.

Today:
B: banana with walnuts
L: rice, dal, banana, apple
D: spinach, spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, palta, chili

Happy Anniversary!

A year ago today I started eating to live.  I weighed about 155 pounds at the time.  Since then, I've lost 15-20 pounds (depending on the day and how fiel I've been), and I wear a smaller size than I ever have before.  I have more energy, and fewer binge days or food cravings. My face has cleared up (still have flare-ups occasionally, but a LOT better over all), and I feel better spiritually as well, which is the most important.

I still have room to grow.  I haven't been consistent, and I know I need to focus on sleep and exercise too, to be even healthier.  But I feel SO BLESSED to have been lead to this way of life.  BENDICIONES.

Today:
W: 138.6  (about 4 pounds higher than my lowest ETL weight)
E: lawn mowing, pm yoga
B: banana with walnuts
L: spinach, spring mix, fiesta mix (SO delicious), mushrooms, a few bites of apple
D: rice, tadka dal, banana

NS (ate a banana after IP as dessert), 1 plate (technically 2 servings of TD, but they would have fit on one plate), EIP, ETL!!! :)

Just another manic Monday :)

Went to Walmart before school.  As soon as I got home from school, I started making dirt cups for fhe.  With help (divine and roommate:) I was able to get everything done, and relatively on time.  Of course, I grossly over-estimated how many cups of pudding we would need, but there were several people who were happy to take some home, and I left some for the beautiful, talentosa Susie.  She is so fantastic!

With all the business, I didn't eat dinner, but I wasn't really hungry either, so it worked out well.  I think the Power Three is really helping.  It gives me accountability with things that are simple to do, and helps me stop and think more specifically than in terms of just ETL or not. It gives me a few checkpoints, rather than just an all-or-nothing deal, which is good, because with the all or nothing deal, if I messed up even a little, I would go for broke because the deal was off.  So far this is working well for me.

Today:
B: a banana with walnuts
L: spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms (hadn't realized how much I like them until I had them today after a few days without them), chili, palta, apple
D: herbal tea :)

NS, 1 plate, EIP, ETL! :)

Life.

Everyone has something tough to deal with.  I got to spend some time with Amy F. this evening, who is dealing with several tough things.  I'm grateful for her and her friendship, and for the fact that we can talk about anything, and that we have similar food philosophies and goals. Love her!

Today:
E: pm yoga
B and L: fasting
D: refried beans, Spanish rice, tortilla, 3 graham crackers, banana

Did well on my power 3...probably shouldn't have eaten the grahams (they were ok, but not fabulous).

Saturday is a special day

It's the day we sleep in and take naps.  And get ready for Sunday, except not a lot of that happened today.

Today:
E: a little zumba, pm yoga
B: 2 bananas, walnuts (about 11:30)
L: spinach, spring mix, chili, palta, tomatoes, banana  (about 4:30)
D: Spanish rice, refried beans, tortilla

The Courage to Start

I started John Bingham's running book again.  He's so full of wisdom.  Running really does help me become myself, and I need it to help me clear my head and gain perspective.  With my knee doing so well, it's time to start again, si o si.

Today:
E: n/a
B: a banana (to be read Shaun Spencer style)
L: 2 bananas
D: spring mix, spinach, chili, palta, grape tomatoes, banana

2 steps forward, 1 step back...

I have GOT to find an after 6 coping mechanism!  It's my most susceptible binging time.  Kept eating when I wasn't hungry, and what my body really needed/wanted was sleep.

Today:
E: essentrics a/a
B: n/a
L: little cup of watermelon (tastes like summer:), 3 bananas
D: normal salad.  Should have stopped there.
S: another salad, plus lots of ice cream and soda.

The Power of Three

A little while back, I finally finished reading Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink.  One of the things that I wanted to try as a result was something that he calls "The Power of Three."  He says "Design three easy, do-able changes that you can mindlessly make without much sacrifice."  In an example, a woman charts her three each day, the premise being that we can make changes gradually without having to change behaviors abruptly, and without feeling like we're sacrificing too much.

I decided to try it, and so on Monday night when I was writing up my May goal sheet, I decided on my three things.  I did pretty well on them until the evening, then choose to let it all fall apart with celebratory binge eating (since when should celebrations involve things that make you feel worse, not better?! I totally have a food hangover today!), but today, I stuck to my Power Three.

Here they are:
1.  No snacks
2. 1 plate of food (no seconds, thirds, twenty-ninths, or grazing)
3. Eat in Public (no bedroom binges).

Okay, so maybe I fudged a little on the first one today, because I ate between lunch and dinner, but I only ate three times, so that counts as my three meals for the day, right? :)  I haven't really eaten in public either, but I've eaten in places where people can just walk in, and tonight I ate dinner on the couch looking out at the pretty trees.  I think my three will get easier as I get in the habit of thinking of these things.  Yesterday's bagel was reactive, but most of the rule-breaking that I did was intentional.  Today, my keeping of the three was intentional! I choose!

Today:
E: pm yoga
B: n/a
L: 2 bananas (at noon)
L2: 2 bananas (at 3:40ish)
D: spinach, spring mix, tomatoes, chili, palta

1-NS- yes
2- 1 plate- yes
3 EIP- yes

Feeling ok.  Still inchada y con aire from yesterday.  Didn't overeat and stuck to my three! :)

Repenting time...again

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."  

Doctrine and Covenants 123:17

I'm sure not doing all things that lie in my power, and am not very cheerful sometimes either!  REPENT! (said Elder Littleford/Elder Stephens style).

I have done a couple of things that lie in my power...We got our kids' Language Arts CRT scores back, and they did an AWESOME job!  My little J. got an 86%! Probably the first 4 in his life.  Love that kid!  Only 3 kids in the whole class got less than a 3.  Hooray!

Also, I bought a car today!  It's not new (won't ever be buying a brand new car), but it looks nice, runs well, (the AC works!) and should last me for a good long time.  Hallelujah!

Blessings on the heads of Amy and Beth for dragging my sorry hide all over town whenever and wherever I needed to go!  (Case in point, Amy and I went to get Avengers tickets for Friday, to the Post Office to send off Jesse's baby shower invites, and to Barnes and Noble to buy Destined, the last book in the Wings series! Sainted Amy, thank you!)

Today:

E: l/b

B: n/a

L: banana, pear

S: bagel

S: 2 bananas

D: spinach, spring mix, nuts, tomatoes, chili, probably a banana

S: chips and hummus, dulce de leche ice cream