Help!

I tried eating to stay awake again today. It just made me overly full.  I need to get more sleep, and to not go skating with 23 wild waheenies!  Luckily, that second one only happens every once in a while.
I'll try being sane again tomorrow.

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 146.2
E: essentrics arms section only
12:00 grapes
5:00 chili, chips, grapes, banana and walnuts
6:00 an entire package (24) of cookies
7:00 5 pumpkin candies...decided to be done.
8:30 pigs in a blanket at Megan's party.

Something's gotta give!

I can't seem to stop binging!  I did pretty well until Beth, Spencer and I went out for sushi.  19 rolls?! Oh, yes, we did.  Can't breathe.
And I've started getting shooting pains again. Need to stop, and say "No, just no!" (Speaking of Taylor, she's coming to SLC on June 1st!) We're totally going!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 141.2
E: ess l/b
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili
3:50 grapes
8:00 LOTs of sushi
10:00 candy mallow pumpkins

Naughty Jo.

My friend Brooke posted the following quote on fb tonight: "Obedience is the path to freedom." James E Faust.

I have not been obedient to what I know I need to be doing for my body. I need less food and more sleep. So I'm going to finish this post and go to sleep!  And make a more concerted effort not to eat too much tomorrow!

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137
E: essentrics a/a
6:30 banana, walnuts, and lots of stay-awake-to-study caramels.
11:30 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms
3:40 grapes
7:00 bowl of granola with almond milk
7:40 ginger cookies
8:00 pumpkin muffin
9:00 chips and chili
9:30 2 hot dogs with bun, j-dawg and fry sauce, and 2 plain...Yes, I feel sick.

Food hangover.

I felt awful today.  I gained 7 pounds in one day because I totally binged yesterday.  My body was achey, and I was exhausted and felt empty and tight in the chest, and inchada everywhere else.  Not fun.  I took it easy food-wise today.

One of the talks in sacrament meeting was about taking care of our bodies. I totally needed to be reminded of that again.  I'm grateful for repentance.

Today:
S: 7 hours?
W: 141
E: pm yoga
6:00 dal, a banana
7:20 a bite of pumpkin muffin

Eat to...

Live?  Not today.  I ate to stay awake, to avoid talking to people, etc.  I ate SOOOO much. From eating rats and cookies for breakfast, through an open house and 2 Halloween parties, I have been eating the entire day.  I'm not even going to try to list everything.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 134.4
E: n/a

LOTS of food.

Strong enough to say NO.

Tonight I ate 2 pieces of cheese pizza.  They were ok, but not fantastic. And I went to Macey's for tp and rat fixings, and bought cookies and butterscotch chips.  I was going to binge, but I didn't even want to.  Not even a little, not at all.  So I didn't.  Maybe the combination of nourishing my body with ETL foods, not feeling like I have to say no to anything, and JA's calming influence are helping me realize that just because I CAN say yes, doesn't mean I HAVE to.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 132.8
7:30 walnuts and raisins
12:00 spring mix with chili, mushrooms, and tomatoes, a banana
3:30 grapes
5:00 bowl of granola with almond milk, piece of bread with pb and honey, a banana
8:30 two pieces of cheese pizza
10:30 4 cookies

Thursday miracles.

I feel better when I look for the good. So here some of the many mini miracles in my life today:

I only gained .2 pounds from yesterday, even though I ate the taquis and the applesauce yesterday.

I was able to do essentrics this morning, in spite of cansansia.

I have glasses to wear so that I can see, even when I can't wear my contacts.
I have a great team at school.  They're funny and hard-working and good.
My kids are So. Dang. Funny.  Especially Little R.
The temple is amazing. God loves us so much.
Got 3 hours of thesis work in, in spite of all the things I had going on today.
My boy admitted that he wants to hold my hand, and he's coming to visit soon!
And Taylor has still got my back in describing every possible relationship emotion: Dust off your highest hopes!

Today:

S: 5.5

W: 134.6

E: essentrics l/b
I didn't eat breakfast because I wasn't hungry.  Amazing how simple that is, and how hard it is to live sometimes.
12:00 spring mix, fiesta mix, banana
3:30 grapes

Cansansia.

I am so tired.  I have to just keep going, though.  I did eat more than I needed to today in an effort to stay awake during my thesis time. I'll do better tomorrow, though.  And if not, there's always the next day.

Today:
S: 6.5 hours
W: 134.4
E: essentrics a/a, 30 plus minute walk with Beth
7:30 walnut, raisins
12:00 spring mix, fiesta mix, orange
5:00 grapes, knock off taquis, quart of applesauce.

Crazier.

I'm listening to Taylor Swift's version of Crazier.  Pretty applicable right now. I worked 7.5 hours on my thesis today, in addition to my full day of teaching.  And I get to do it again tomorrow.  And the next day, and the next day.  Man, I'm tired!

The good news is that life is still good.  I'm learning from people in their interviews...I just need to love everyone 1) Because that's what God wants me to do 2) Because people inevitably turn out to be better than I judged them to be initially (if I judged them harshly).  I guess that includes getting to know Miss Katie, who at first sight seems to be too girly to be close to.

Today
S: 6 hours
W: 136.4 or .8? can't remember
E: essentrics l/b
7:00 banana with walnuts
12:00 spring mix with tomatoes, onions, and chili, banana
4:00 grapes
9:00 few spoonfuls of fiesta mix, a couple of grapes (prepping tomorrow's lunch).

Monday Madness

I do have blog posts for the days that I was gone.  Here you go:

10/19/12
Lovely Day.
Ate Dairy, but no meat.  Happy to be here in Boise!
Today:
Sleep: 4.5
W: 134.8
E: am yoga
7:30 dal and chili, green smoothie
1:00 fries, vegan burger
2:00 green smoothie
3:00 2 pb/h sandwiches
6:00 vanilla shake and pumpkin pie


10/20/12
Today was a fairy tale....if fairytales include bucket-bruised knees and mushy apples!  But the definitely include Prince Charmings, and mine held my hand tonight!  And he's not sounding opposed to being mostly plant based! And I don't have to eat hot dogs.  So life is great!
Today:
S: 7 plus
E: buckets and apples
9:00 2 buttermilk pancakes, applesauce and syrup
mid am: 1 apple, apple juice
lunch: chili with a little meat in it, sauerkraut
pm licorice, plums, Werther
dinner:  veggie salad with cheese chunks, bread and butter


10/21/12
Choices
I choose to not eat meat today---feel better that way.
S: 6 hours
B: 3 muffins
L: potatoes, carrot, onion, spaghetti squash, lemon meringue pie
pm: chocolate pumpkin cake
trip: vanilla wafers, candy, banana chips
home: pumpkin cheesecake with Beth and Amy


Today (10/22/12)
Sleep: ? 4.5 hours?
W: 134.6 (this after cheesecake at 11pm!...need to not abuse my privileges).
E: essentrics a/a
B: banana and walnuts
L: spring mix, chili, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, grapes
S: banana
D: pasta with tomato sauce (gave my meatballs to Amy), cheap salad with ranch, part of a roll.
S: piece of bread with pb and honey
S: 2 pumpkin rolls and wassel

Need to work on not eating unless I really need/want it.  But I didn't feel as bingey as I do sometimes, and tomorrow is another day.  Todo saldra bien!

Day 4: News

I was so tired today.  Even little D, who was being a punk in math essentials, could tell. But we got through the day...and a lot more than I usually eat in a day, too.  All plant-based, though.  I tend to eat more on days that I'm tired.  But I didn't eat more when I got home from shopping, which was good.

I told my John that I have met my goal of no meat for a year and that I could eat whatever this weekend (mainly so his mother doesn't make all the meals plant-based for me...I could tell his dad didn't love it).  He said "Good work at 'meating' that goal!"  :) I still want to be plant-based as much as I can without causing others stress.  So when there is a buffet-type meal, I'll avoid the meat.  When there's a sit down dinner, or meat is what there is, I'll eat it.

And the most exciting news is: Brother John has been accepted to BYU for Winter Semester!  Hooray!!

Today:

S: 6 hours?

W: 133.6

E: essentrics l/b, mall walking with Amy

7:00 banana and walnuts

11:30 spring mix with fiesta chili, tomatoes, mushrooms.  Sweet potato chili, curry, and a few grapes

2:30 grapes

4:30 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and honey

5:30 hummus plate at Red Robin (hummus with pita bread, grilled zuchini, cucumbers, and carrots.

Day 3: No, just no.

A few times today I have thought that I wanted to eat something (the kids' Krispy Kreme pictures looked good, and I half-considered eating a little package of Reese's Pieces, and when I got home, I looked in the fridge) but I'm not hungry (just ridiculously exhausted...just thought that maybe I'm not eating enough, even though I'm not physically hungry really) so I didn't eat.  I'll keep an eye on the hunger thing.  Maybe I do need to eat a little more, but in the mean time, I was grateful to be able to say "No, just no!" when it came to eating without being hungry today.

Also, today marks a year since I stopped eating meat intentionally, and started this blog. (Happy birthday, blog!)  I still go back and forth about whether I'll start eating meat again or not.  In the meantime, here's to a year of being mostly vegetarian/vegan!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 133.6
E: essentrics a/a, 22 minute walk with Beth
7:30 banana and walnuts
11:50 spring mix, my fiesta chili, tomatoes, mushrooms...ate it quick and worked for .5 hours on my thesis during my lunch break!  I am going to finish this!!
3:35 grapes...ate them with my student council kids! :)

Day 2: Looking on the bright side.

Today was good food-wise.  I was tired, but happy to spend time with my kiddos.  I really do have the best job ever! And I lost weight, and ate yummy food, and did essentrics, which makes me happy.

Today:
Sleep: 6 hours
Weight: 136
Exercise: essentrics l/b, 27 minute walk (little jogging at the end)
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 Cafe Rio salad of deliciousness (Thank you, Beth!)
3:50 grapes
9:30 hot water and lemon (channeling Anastasia)

Day 1: It's a brand new day!

the sun is high...all the birds are singing, cause...no, I'm not going to die, at least not for a while if I can help it.

I AM trying to kill some bad habits right now (over-eating, eating things that make me sick, not exercising, not working on my thesis) and grow some intense new ones (exercise every day, eat to live FOR REAL, work on my thesis 20 hours a week, etc.)

I love starting over.  It feels so good to have a second or seventy-second chance.  I'm grateful for repentance and change, for the chance to become new, better, stronger, and closer to my Heavenly Father, who has blessed me with this amazing growing opportunity called life.

Today:
S: 6 total (3 and 3)
W: 137.6 (even after my ridiculous binge yesterday!)
E: essentrics a/a (LOVE LOVE LOVE it.), 23 minute walk with Beth
1:00 a cup of sweet potato chili, a banana, a bite of Beth's curry
6:00 veggie Cafe Rio salad...with Cassie, and unexpectedly Beth.  Good company and delicious food!

Wow.

Maybe it's because Beth has been gone, and maybe it's because I haven't had a fija schedule, but I have been such a binger lately.  I did it again today!  I keep letting one little bite, etc. be the start of this awful feeling, self-abusive binge.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 136.8
E: n/a
5:30 chips and salsa, bowl of Taralea's yummy butternut squash soup, bite of cute John's divine cream of broccoli soup.
6:30 spring mix, tomatoes, bowl of dal, large tastes of sweet potato chili (thank you, Katie! First recipe I've tried of hers, and it wasn't even a desert!) and fiesta chili, like 5 breadsticks (had cheese), non-vegan peach cobbler and ice cream, many Macintosh toffees.
9:30 marshmellow popcorn with Amy
12:30 fiesta chili with corn chips, ate part of a Macintosh toffee.  Beth helped me not eat the rest.  I'm starting 6 weeks (the very best I can!!! Feel like it's part of my 3 part duty right now!) right now!!!

Progress

I wasn't hungry this morning, so I didn't eat.  Doing better.  Feel like I need to be praying/striving to do my duty (thesis, serving others, nourishing my body).  Estoy ayundando por eso.  Cuando me enfoco en mi misma y lo que quiero en vez de lo que va a agradar a Dios o ayudarme servir a otros, alli me meto en problemas.  But I'm making progress.

Today:
S: 3 hours
W: 139.4
E: walk to fb game
6:30 nuts over berries salad, tuscan bean salad
7:00 banana

Vacation II...

Binged again today.  Don't even want to think about all that I've eaten today.  

Better.

I gained 7 plus pounds from yesterday to today.  Too much food last night.  I tried to do better today about eating what I needed instead of what my tiredness and stress thought that I wanted.  My new mantra:  I eat when I'm hungry and only what I need.  I'm hoping that this will help with my food issues too.  Estamos en camino

Today:
S: 5
E: pm yoga
W: 142.2
1:30 squash soup, flatbread
10:00 orange tea with agave

Vacation

I had a pretty good day eating wise until the evening, when I ate everything in sight.  Vacation from reality.  But tomorrow it won't feel good!

Battle for Freedom.

I love the hymns.  They always lift me up and give me animo for life, or comfort me.  One that has been in my head lately is Do What Is Right.  The line "Battle for freedom in spirit and might," is my favorite.

Yesterday, I had the thought that I am battling for freedom...from earth stains, from addictions.  While I know that views on what qualifies as an addiction are varied,   I think of it as anything you do compulsively and repeatedly that is harmful to you.  With that definition in mind, I definitely have food addictions.  Certain foods and moods trigger unhealthy behaviors for me.  So, by sticking to ETL as much as possible, I'm battling for freedom!!! And ETL is also a big advantage in the battle against disease, as well.

Today:
S: 5.5
W: 136.4
E: 37 minute walk with Beth, pm yoga.
7:30 banana, walnuts
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, onions, cilantro, tomatoes, chili, grapes
3:40 grapes
5:30 honey popcorn (tried it without the peanut butter...not fantastic, but ok)

Monday.

I have been tired and easily annoyed/frustrated today.  Not good when JA is going to be here tonight, and I'm unofficially in charge of ward FHE as well.  I'm sure it will all turn out right.  I just need to look on the bright side of things, and there are so many good things.  Today, as we were coming in from recess, I was frustrated by the noise level of the students behind mine, and when we got into the classroom, little R. said "Teacher, you look like you are mad." I said that I was tired and frustrated.  Someone (K?) responded "Why?! Don't we make you happy?"  I laughed, and said that they did. And it's true, they do.  They are among my best and brightest blessings.  How lucky am I to get to hang out with 24 amazing kids every day, and learn new things with them?!

Today:
S: 6 hours?
W: 138.8 (obviously need to work on implementing my rules and live foot plans!)
E: tiny bit of am yoga with my kids, pm yoga
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, cilantro, onions, chili, orange
4:30 rainbow chili, grapes, piece of bread with peanut butter and honey

Live foot plans.

Elder Walter F. Gonzalez spoke today in the am session of General Conference.  He said that iniquity hampers our ability to see and love others.  I've known that abusing my body isn't good, known that it's against what God would have me do, and have at times, thought of it in terms of being a sin, but there have been several times in the conference this weekend that I have been reminded of that, and Elder Gonzalez's talk was one of those.

I need to eat to live forever.  And self-abuse, in any form, is a sin.  If it's not helping me feel closer to Heavenly Father, if it's not helping me see and love others, then it's not right, and I need to change.  I need to come up with some live foot plan things specifically for eating.  Live foot plans are to keep us on the right track when we're tempted, and so should be just as applicable for temptation to self-abuse as for any other sin.

Here are some ideas: pray, music (sing or listen or play), create, stretch, breathe.

Today:

S: 7 hours

W: 136.4

9:30 banana, piece of pear

12:00-2:00 2 bananas, pickings of peaches, dough, pasta sostanza
5:00 peanut butter and honey sandwich
5:40 rainbow chili, corn, 2 pieces of bread with jam, biscuit, grapes
9:00 2 pieces of bread with pb and honey, bread with palta, 2 bananas (maybe 3) 

Conference

I sure love General Conference.  It helps me know what to do and how to do it, and also helps me feel my Savior's love.  Today I was taught and reminded of many things, but one thing related to this blog was the repeated doctrine that we need to be worthy of the Spirit.  Taking care of my body helps me be closer to the Spirit.  Which is why eating this way is so important to me.  Need to work on portion sizes...gaining 8 pounds in 2 days is not exactly healthy.  I know it's just because I've eaten so much and am so full, but I don't feel as good or as close to the Spirit this way.

Today:
S: ?
W: 138.4
E: 20 minute 2 mile run (hill included), pm yoga
2:00 banana, walnuts
6:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, chili, banana, grapes, part of an orange, bread with pb and honey
7:00 pb and honey popcorn

Growing

I gave my first official research presentation today.  It went pretty well.  Stefinee didn't give me any real feedback, said I did good work and that we'd need to include more of the PD dimension in my thesis, but several people from other schools seemed to really like it, and I actually enjoyed doing it.  I think that one of the things that I've learned from grad school is to be calmer in new situations.  I still don't know if I want to do a PhD or not (and don't think that I should do it around family, or if I have a family), but I know that grad school has helped me grow, and that Heavenly Father will guide me to those things that I need to do for further growth, and HIS plan A.

Today:
S: 7 plus
E: n/a
W: ?
12:00 salad with vinegarette dressing, pasta salad, 2 pickles
3:15 grapes, pear, strawberries
7:00 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili, banana
9:00 banana, 3 pb rollups.
12:00 granola, soy milk, agave
1:00 granola, soy milk, agave

What do I want?

I spent the day at the NRMERA conference.  Stefinee wants me to do other conferences and see if it's something I want to do more of.  She says I need to find out if the academic conversation is interesting enough to sustain me, to see if I like presenting, etc.  If today is any indication, the answer is no.  While I greatly appreciate what these men and women are doing, it's mainly because I want to be doing the best thing I can for my students, IN THE CLASSROOM.  If I don't get to be a stay-at-home-mama, I want to be an in-the-classroom-teacher.
I also want to eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it. (Said no to cookies, and ate vegetarian today, but there was cheese on my pasta tonight...I never think to ask about garnish cheese! and I ate fries).  And this posh lifestyle...so not my scene.


Today:
S: 5 hours
E: n/a
W: 134
7:00 banana
12:00ish salad with vinegarette dressing, fruit salad with mint sauce (x2), 2 pickles and 2 servings of veggie pasta salad
3:00 nuts and a banana
6:00 crackers, cucumbers, and carrots
8:00 penne pasta with marinara sauce (had cheese on top)
9:00 Stefinee's McDonald's fries.

Healing.

I've decided that counting is futile.  I haven't been doing ETL for real anyway, and there is always going to be something that comes up (NRMERA conference, trip to JA's house) that will make it so that it's difficult to be 100% ETL. 100% vegan or vegetarian I can do most of the time, but it's going to be difficult to do ETL.

I'm going to try not counting the days, just to focus on healing my body as much as possible.  Beth is doing the 6 week plan.  I plan to stay mostly vegetarian/vegan forever.  And I'll see if I can get down to my goal weight by Thanksgiving.  I think that I've been thinking if I do this right for 6 weeks then I won't have to work at it any more.  But I need to really commit, to be in this for the long haul, regardless of what my weight does, because I feel SO MUCH BETTER eating plant-based.  This afternoon when I ate my salad, it was like I could FEEL the goodness coming into my body.  Food, real food, is healing, and that's what I've got to focus on.

Today:
S: ?
W: 136.4 (yes, I can gain 5.4 lbs in a day!)
E: 30 minute walk/run with Beth, essentrics a/a
12:00 usual salad, banana
3:40 grapes

Day 23: 6 weeks of freedom!

So, I've been counting days, and losing weight, but I've not been true 100% to Eat to Live.  And I want to be.  Beth does too, so we're beginning again tomorrow.
Most of the time I'm fine, but I need some better stress-coping techniques.  I totally binged tonight, and feel awful.  I sure don't feel good eating too much, or eating trash food.  Better tomorrow.  Here's to 6 weeks of freedom!!!

Today:
S: 6.5
W: 131
E: 36 minute walk with Beth
7:30 banana, walnuts
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, cilantro, chili, grapes
3:50 grapes
5:15 2 bananas, 2 peanut butter and honey rollups
6:00 bread, basil, olive oil, minestrone (most likely with beef broth), pasta sostanza
7:00 veggie coconut korma
7:40 caramel stripe cookies (finally told myself no more, after way too many of them!)

Day 22: Progress

Lindsay's newsletter the other day said to strive for progress, not perfection.  While perfection is the aim, I am not perfect, and am grateful for signs of progress in spite of that!

My thesis is coming...and I'm closer to being ready for Friday's NRMERA presentation.  And in spite of weighing exactly what I did last Monday (due to my Sunday afternoon binge, I'm sure), I've lost 2 inches, and am feeling more muscle and less looseness on my legs and abs.  I think I'm doing better with my attitude towards this all, too.  In days past I have gotten mad or frustrated or felt defeated when I wasn't making as much progress as I'd anticipated.  This morning I knew that I hadn't lost, but was happy that I know what to do and how to do it to get back on track, and I know that I need a break every once in a while, and that the breaks won't kill me or cause me to fail.  Feliz.

And I realized that I'm half-way done with my 6 weeks!  Crazy how fast it goes!  So happy to be plant-based!

And on our walk tonight, Beth said she wants to do the 6 weeks for real.  So proud of her and the progress that she is making!

Today:
S: 6.5
W: 131.4
E: essentrics a/a, 37 minute walk with Beth
6:30 banana with walnuts
8:15 grapes and a banana
12:00 spring mix, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, grapes
3:50 grapes