Too much food, not enough sleep.

I blame my lack of discipline on lack of sleep.  I'm just glad that Beth and I are going to do plant-based together for awhile.  It will help to be accountable to someone.  We sure had a last hurrah tonight, though.  Funny how a last hurrah feels so terrible.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 137.2 (don't worry, I weighed 10 pounds more tonight on the dr's scale.  And that was before ice cream and sushi. Gross.)
7:00 banana
11:30 greens with feta and craisins, ham, baked potato with sour cream, bacon and cheese, roll with butter, corn with butter and cream, 4 sugar cookies
4:30 2 Toblerone bars
5:00 low mein noodles, egg drop soup, pot stickers, wonton wraps, fortune cookie
6:30 eggnog/pumpkin spice ice cream cone
7:00 about 2 rolls of sushi

Keep going.

For years I've been interested in fitness and health.  I remember about a year and a half ago, I was trying to get in shape, trying to figure out what to do. The thought that kept coming was Keep Going.  And soon thereafter I found out about Eat to Live, which has changed my life completely health-wise.  

Right now I'm tired and feeling old and overwhelmed.  It's times like these that I sometimes (and by sometime, I mean often) succumb to the temptation to just give it up as a lost cause and try to eat away my cansansia and stress.  So it's another Keep Going time. I can't see the end from the beginning, but I know I need to do this. 

I'm thinking about going to get my body fat tested at BYU tomorrow.  It will be interesting to see what my stats are right now.

Today:

S: 5.25 hours

W: 139.6

E: essentrics l/b

8:00 banana

12:00 romaine, fiesta mix, grapes

4:00 banana

Take Responsibility

Last night before I went to bed, I decided that I need to do a seriously committed to ETL stint before Christmas.  I decided that I will ETL as much as possible (and I really can get out of almost any non ETL food without making a big deal out of it), do essentrics daily, drink lots of water, and get at least 6 hours of sleep a night.

This morning when I woke up, the thought that was on my mind was Take Responsibility.  I'm the only one who can do this for me.  No one else controls my decisions.  If I'm eating too much, it's my fault.  If I'm not eating good-for-me foods or getting enough sleep, that's my decision.  So I'm going to do better about taking responsibility for my decisions and REALLY doing my best, REALLY becoming who I am, physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.  Because they're all connected.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 142.4
E: essentrics a/a
12:00 salad greens, beans, tomatoes, banana (didn't finish it because it didn't taste good, I wasn't hungry, and I didn't have a lot of time, either. Thank goodness for my chicken!)
4:00 grapes, banana
9:30 bite of fiesta mix as I made lunch for tomorrow

Catch up!

I know I haven't blogged for a few days....I've been out of town enjoying lots of good company and LOTS of pie.

Here's a summary of the days I missed (think I got them all) along with today's:

Thursday November 22, 2012
W: 143.4
E: essentrics a/a
F: banana, stuffing, turkey, potatoes and gravy, rats, lots of pie and cheesecake, and repeats

Friday November 23, 2012
S: 9 hours
11:00 grain cereal, honey, cream, raisins
4:00 potatoes and gravy, veggies, key lime pie, lemon meringue, and 2 pieces of pumpkin pie with whipped cream

Saturday, November 24, 2012
12:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad
7:00 salad, tomato soup, bread and cheese, apples, pumpkin pie and ice cream

Sunday, November 25, 2012
2:15 salad and dressing, potatoes, sweet potatoes, juice, apples, crackers and cheese, roll, piece of sour cream peach pie

Monday, November 26, 2012
W: 138.6
F: hummus and veggies, 3 bowls of cereal with almond milk, hummus and corn chips

Today
S: 4 hours
W: 141.8
12:00 regular salad (love mushrooms!) plus bell peppers, banana
5:00 banana
6:30 bowl of chili and corn chips

You can do anything you want.

Father quotes Bishop McMullin as saying You can do anything that you want, you just can't do everything.  I want to get in shape more than I want to eat the world.  So I stuck to my Power of 3 rules and only ate one plate of food at India Palace today, and all vegetarian. I could have put less on that plate, granted, but doing one plate instead of 5 is a start.

Beth and I had a conversation about needing to do ETL...so true, but that didn't stop us from eating pizza.  I need help.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 139.6
12:00 rice, veggie bhriyani, dal, curry pakora, veggie mix, scone, potato patty.
4:00 pie dough, filling, pizza, salad, 3 rats

Forge Forward with Faith

When I weighed myself this morning, I apparently forgot about the effects of my Sunday binge, and thought that I'd weighed 138.8 yesterday, and that somehow I'd gone up.  I was thinking about going back to bed instead of doing essentrics and studying, but I know what I need to do, and I'm trying to be better about doing it, so I decided to stick to the plan (sort of...my thesis hours are not as easy to stick to as eating better and exercising are) and do essentrics anyway.  Then I realized that I have lost 2-3 pounds since yesterday.  I just need to keep forging forward with faith, whether I can see the distant scene or not.  I struggle with wanting to know the end from the beginning, and just need to take it a step at a time, moving forward, trusting that it will all work out, even though I can't see how. (Very applicable to relationships, jobs, thesis, everything.)


Today:
S: 6.5
W: 141.4
E: essentrics l/b
7:30 bite of beans, a few grapes
12:15 spring mix, onions, mushrooms, cilantro, chili, banana
2:00 piece of pumpkin cream pie
4:30 chips and hummus
11:30 orange juice

Rededication.

The Boise temple was rededicated yesterday. Mother shared some thoughts from the dedication, one of which was Sister Brinkerhoff (the temple matron?) encouraging us to rededicate ourselves.  I read that after I had already decided to get up early enough to go running and do essentrics.

I am not living up to my privileges when I abuse my body through over-eating and lack of exercise.   I am rededicating myself to taking good care of this amazing gift my Heavenly Father has given me. 

Here are my new power of three rules:

1) Eat to Live as much as possible

2) 1 plate

3) 1 or none on desserts (none of this 20 cookie binge!)

Today:

S: 6 hours

W: 144.6

E: 20 + minute walk/run, essentrics a/a
8:00 banana
12:00 banana
1:30 3 rats
3:40 banana, 1 rat, chips and salsa

Still sick.

Gross!  I hate being sick.  I was feeling okay, but I think eating cereal this morning was not a good idea.  And my cough is still there, albeit much weaker than before! :)

And I binged tonight, with no apparent provocation.  Am I heart sick?   What am I stressing about?  What can I do to let myself heal?

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 138.8
10:15 banana, bowl of granola with almond milk
4:00 chips, hummus, mushrooms, Lindt balls, cookie dough, cookies, lots of cookies
6:00 ham, funeral potatoes, bean salad, salad

Recovering.

I've been sick for the last couple of weeks, but I think I'm getting better.  I think my voice sounded almost normal today!
And I'm recovering from yesterday's binge.  I was surprised that I didn't gain more weight...actually went down in spite of my craziness! "Little" blessings.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 141.6
E: pm yoga
12:00 Cafe Rio salad of deliciousness
4:00 banana
7:30 bowl of cereal with almond milk
9:00 few chips and hummus, a banana
12:00 bowl of cereal with almond milk

Desperation.

I ate SO MUCH today.  Again.  I think it's a desperate attempt to gain energy from some source, as it's clearly not coming from sleep, as it should.

Today:
S: 4.5
W: 143
E: n/a
Food: 4 bananas, fry bread, lentil soup, samosa wrap, marshmallows, walnuts and raisins, 2 completos, 16 oz. of Ben and Jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

Last of the big binges.

I binged again today and tonight.  I will stop with help from my Heavenly Father.  I can't afford to do things that compromise my health, because that compromises my ability to serve.  Tonight I couldn't really do much to serve in the temple because I have this awful cough.  Need to get better so I can serve.  I need to become who I am physically as well as mentally and spiritually.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 141.2
E: n/a
12:00 2 bowls of pumpkin soup, 3-4 sweet potato rolls, several pumpkin cookies, a banana
4:00 banana
7:00 chicken noodle soup, lots of pumpkin cookies, chips and hummus

Afraid

Sometimes I think I'm afraid of success.  I avoid working on my thesis, I binge when I'm getting closer to my health goals.  Still don't know why.

Today:
S: 7.5
W: 135
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 spinach, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili, banana
4:00 Indian burrito thing, banana
10:00-12:00 cookie dough, cookies, chicken noodle soup, chips and hummus

Grateful

Today I read about a girl with severe anorexia. I know that I think about what I eat and how much I weigh, or how I feel at different weights more than some people do.  But I am so grateful that I eat, and eat mostly healthy food, and enough of it, and that I have learned not to beat myself up when I have a bingey day.

Today I ate the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  It was what we had, it was what I wanted, and it was delicious.  Variety can wait until tomorrow.  Or the next day. The end.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137.8
E: pm yoga
7:00 banana and roll
12:00 banana and roll
4:00 banana and roll

Forgiveness.

I happen to be human.  Some more so than others.  Today was a very human day eating wise.  I ate more than what I needed/wanted of things that I didn't need/want.  Old, very old, habits die hard.
Gratefully, tomorrow is another day.  And I will try again.

Today:
S: 8 hours
W: 133.8
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana, part of a green smoothie
12:00 quart of green smoothie
6:30 2.5 rolls
8:00 2 servings of rice with magic chicken, some more magic chicken chicken, 3-4 pb cookies, 1pumpkiny bar.
9:00 few spoonfuls of magic chicken while cleaning up.

You know what to do/day of unwrapping

When I was a relatively new missionary, I asked President Tanner about how following the Spirit.  He told me that some things you just do because you've always done them, and that the Spirit will guide you in what to do when there's something new to do.

This morning, I was reading Sister Tanner's (not related to President Tanner as far as I know) talk The Sanctity of the Body, and was planning to read from some of my self-help-don't-eat-emotionally-books afterwards, but then I felt that I already know what to do, I just need to do it!

Here's the plan (and I don't know how close to 100% this plan will work, because of time constraints and holidays, but I'm going to do as well as I can!):
* ETL food as much as possible, only when hungry ("I'm saving my appetite." -Holiday Engagement)
* essentrics M-Sa ("Day of Unwrapping"prep, BYU-I devotional...working on this reference)
* yoga daily
* 20 minutes of cardio 3 days/week (probably T, W, and Sa)


Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 136 or 135.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana and walnuts
5:00 quart of orange juice
6:00 spring mix with tomatoes, some ranch and "fakin' bacon," a little bit of curry and rice, bit of banana bread, bite of bread dough

Miracles

I just watched the trailer for The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  I've been wanting to see it, and a friend posted the trailer on fb today, saying that she loved it.  In the trailer, the mom, Jennifer Garner, says, "He's something unexpected.  Our little miracle." It made me cry.

For forever, as in as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mama. I'm hoping that I still get to be one someday, but I think that part of the reason why I make sure that I'm so busy is so that I don't have to deal with the pain of not being able to live that dream yet.  I'm blessed to be able to be a "School Mom" to my students, and to love on my nieces and nephew (I'm secretly hoping that Ben and Erin's baby will be a boy so that we'll have even numbers), but I also want babies of my own.

I've also been feeling a need to REALLY get in shape.  So this is a redeclaration of my intentions to be as healthy as possible for my future family.  Here's to the miracle of change, the miracle of marriage, and the miracle of my family to be.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 137.4
E: 1 hour of shoveling snow, pm yoga
11:30 spring mix, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, walnuts and raisins

Thought about eating more later, but I wasn't hungry, so I didn't, even though I bought some delicious food for later.  Just because I have it doesn't mean it needs to be eaten now. I don't want to give up what I really want for something inconsequential and temporary.

Thesis, forever.

I spent 12 hours today on my thesis, with lots of interruptions.  But I'm caught up on my hour commitment! So I'm going to watch a movie and sleep in, and begin again.

Today:
S: 8 hours
W: 137
E: am yoga
10:00 walnuts and a banana
2:00 spring mix, chili, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes
4:00 grapes
6:30 sweet potatoe chili, walnuts and raisins.

Slowly Going Crazy

We had a math training today and I have to be DOING something all the time, or feel like I'm making progress.  And when I'm not, I compensate by doing unnecessary things, like eating, A LOT, when I'm not hungry.

I did it again this evening, eating carrots and hummus when I wasn't hungry.  But I worked on my thesis for 6 hours today, in spite of my yucky cold! :)

Today:
S: 5.5
W: 135.4
E: pm yoga
9-10:30 6 granola bars
11:30 spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili, a few grapes
3:00 quart of orange juice
6:00 hummus and carrots
7:00-? two quarts of orange juice

Freedom

Well, my vote didn't make enough difference to help Romney win.  Obama is in for another 4 years.  I don't agree with everything (or even most) of what I know that he's done the past 4 years, but I will follow the advice of my church leaders and pray for the leaders of the nation.  And God will make me free where man never can.

I DO have freedom to control what I eat.  I did well today, and am hoping that it helps make up for the lack of sleep I've had and will have for the next few weeks.  7 more weeks until I'm no longer required to work 30 hours/week on my thesis.  30 hours til relative freedom (I'll still have to defend and submit, etc.)

I've also realized that if I want to have any sort of freedom later in the week, I can NOT skip even a day of thesis work.  Sunday is the only thesis-free day if I want to not die.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 138
E: pm yoga
12:00 dal, walnuts and raisins
5:20 and 5:45 green smoothie (spinach, peaches, banana)

Choice

This morning, Amy and I waited in line for an hour plus to cast our votes. We were almost late to school, and since I wasn't in the book, there is a possibility that my vote might not even count!  But it was worth the sacrifice of time and sleep and prep time to voice my choice.

I've also been more deliberate in my food choices today.  Did eat more than I probably needed (I wasn't hungry at dinner time, but ate anyway), but it was all ETL food!  I just feel so much better this way!
And I'm going to bed early, so hopefully this cold that has been lurking in the corners will be banished by many hours of sleep.

Today:
S: 7 plus hours
W: 139.2
E: pm yoga, .5 mile walk/run with my students
7:30 banana, walnuts
12:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad of deliciousness
5:30 banana, dal

Let your body heal itself.

I don't think I've said it for a while, because I haven't needed to, but in the past, when I've had semi-hypochondriac kids who always need a band-aid, or want to be "all better" 30 seconds after a physical fiasco, I tell them "You just need to give your body a chance to heal itself."  I need to take my own advice on this.

Somehow I've developed this attitude recently that I can eat whatever I want to.  That is true.  However, I can't eat whatever I want to or whatever everyone else is eating and feel good, or follow what I feel like I'm being directed to do.  I don't know if I will develop something later on that will be helped to heal by eating this way, or if I'm preventing something, or if it's "just" a way to be closer to the Spirit.  Whichever it happens to be, I'm going to do better.

I will not eat meat or dairy unless those are the only options available, or if I would offend someone by not eating it.  I will also avoid sugar most of the time and refined flour foods as well.  I will do my best to Eat to Live.

In yesterday's CES fireside, one of Bishop Causse's points to live by was "Become who you are."  I feel like eating this way is helping me become who I am, a beloved daughter of God.

Today:
S: 4.5
W: 141
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana and walnuts
11:30 spring mix, chili, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, a few grapes
4:00 grapes
5:00 2 cheese buns, lots of butterscotch chips

When you're eating well, you're well.

That's the title of a little song that Erin linked on FB.  I've been eating well in the sense that I've eaten a lot, but not in the sense that I've eaten well for my body.   I know that I need to be careful about this, but I wasn't today.  I don't think I need to go back to no meat or dairy ever, but I do need to set some parameters and abide by them.  Today turned into a free for all, but it will have consequences for my body.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 136.6
E: am yoga...felt so good!
5:00 lasagna...said no to seconds
6:00 sugar cookies from Kelsey, and butterscotch chips with Amy during the CES fireside
7:30 rats, 1 1/2 chicken enchiladas, clam chowder, peach cobbler, ice cream.

Hunger Games!

We had our 1st annual Hunger Games party tonight.  Apparently I had the idea.  Amy took it and made it happen, otherwise it would have just been another idea.  I don't have enough time to play to plan things, but I sure enjoyed tonight! Lots of good food, fun to dress up, a good movie and fantastic company.

The Hunger Games book/movie make me think about how blessed I am, and about my relationship with food and others.  I am so grateful to be able to provide for myself, to have enough and to spare.  I need/want to do more to help those who don't have enough, or to spare.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 135.8
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana, regular salad
4:00 mallow pumpkins, banana?
6-8 a little bit of grazing, and then 3 chicken pillows, one blue berry one, and lamb stew.  All delicious. I ate more than enough, but I wasn't uncomfortably full.  And I didn't have to compensate for all the food I ate Capitol style.

Benefits of being friendly.

I don't have friends with benefits...I did have a psuedo relationship sort-of like that once upon a time: BAD IDEA.

What I am striving for now is being friendly to my body...and it has HUGE BENEFITS.  Earlier this week, I was just dragging, exhausted all the time.  In the last couple of days, I've decided to stop eating the world to try to stay awake.  And remarkably enough, I have more energy, and it's easier to stay awake.

It doesn't hurt that I'm on a down-ward trend again for losing weight...I've gone a little crazy with over-eating in the past week.  Here is my track record:

Saturday October 27th: 134.4 (pretty average)
Sunday the 28th: 141
Monday the 29th: 137
Tuesday the 30th: 141.2
Wednesday the 31st: 146.2
Thursday the 1st: 145.2
Friday (today): 138.6

We'll see what I weigh in as tomorrow, but I've gained almost 12 pounds, and lost almost 7 in the last almost week.  Yikes!

Today:
S: 6.75
W: 138.6
E: pm yoga (SOOOO nice after a long day of teaching, planning, and thesising.
7:30 few bites of beans and tomatoes (while prepping lunch)
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, onions, canned fire-roasted tomatoes (delicious!), canned chili
4:30 banana, bread, peanut butter, honey

Just keep swimmin'

I did much better today about eating good for me food.  And I'm much less tired today, mostly because my body isn't expending all it's energy trying to digest the massive amounts of food I've consumed!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 145.2
E: yoga
11:45 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili