Exhausted.

Emotions are exhausting sometimes. So I'm super tired after many wonderful hours of talking and processing with V and Beth.

Today:
S: 7 hours?
W: 146
1:30 banana
2:30-5:00 lots and lots of yummy sushi

Work and time.

I haven't been keeping track of what I eat consistently, but it hasn't been ETL, vegan, or even vegetarian.  My body, brain, and especially face are paying the price.  But somehow I'm better than I have been in the past about not beating myself up.

This will take work and time, but I WILL keep going.

Rededicated.

Today I had one of those mornings where I woke up wondering why we even do what we do.  What is the purpose?!  Church helped, but I am in charge of what I think and feel and do.  So in keeping with one of the talks that was given, I am rededicating myself to Christ this Christmas.  One of the things that I have felt that I should do is to Eat to Live.  So as one of my Christmas presents for Christ, I am going to Eat to Live as much as possible. Como siempre, this decision will be a blessing to me too.  I will feel better physically, and I won't feel like crying or get discouraged so often because I'll be doing what I know.

Today:
S: 7?
W: 146.2
E: pm yoga
12:15 banana and walnuts
3:30 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, cilantro, banana

Ha ha ha.

I was going to work out today because it helps me feel good, but I sure didn't do it!  I DID sleep for a long time and get to go to the temple and spend the afternoon with Beth.

Today:
S: 9 + hours
W: 142
E: n/a
12:30 sushi
6:30 fries, key lime shake, boca burger on Blue Ribbon Burger
7:30 ice cream
11:30 Reeses Pieces

Sleep.

It's a beautiful thing.  So I am doing a lot of it.  Slept for 7.5 hours last night and took a nap this afternoon.  And will probably be in bed by 12:30 tonight.  LOVE holidays.  And I've been blessed to not feel that antsy feeling at all yet. Maybe I really do need a vacation every once in a while! :)

Today:
S: 7.5 hours
W: 143.6
E: 20 minute inside jog, pm yoga
10:30 banana
12:30 Zupa's nuts about berries salad and tuscan white bean veggie soup, bread
4:30 banana with walnuts
9:00 3 baskets of fries with fry sauce (my new go-to thing at Red Robin...only like $3 for bottomless fries...who needs a hamburger?!)

Why.

I have been on a major binge streak for too long.  I was thinking it was just in the last couple of weeks, but looking back over my goal charts, it's been going on for longer than that.  October was mostly in the 130s.  I started eating more and exercising less in November, and it's just gotten worse from there.

I don't know if I'm using food to punish myself, to numb myself, etc., but I do know that I'm not living up to my potential, that I'm not feeling as good as I need or want to.

I need to do this so that I can be closer to my Heavenly Father.  That is my why.  Here's to new beginnings.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 148.2/147.6
E: 25 minute walk/run (it felt SO GOOD to be outside and MOVING!), essentrics a/a
10:30 hot water and lemon
1:00 half a cafe rio veggie salad (lunch with Elizabeth F.)
4:30 a banana, the rest of my cafe rio salad with part of a palta and some lemon juice added.

Eating the World

I tried to today.

S: 7 hours
E: n/a
W: 144.8
12:00 banana
1:30 nachos (no meat, though) and coconut chex mix
3:00 6 cookies
7:30 cafe rio veggie salad, ice cream, circus cookies
12:00 chips and hummus, cheesecake

Completely, and for good.

My friend Mary blogs and today her post was about the conversion of Scrooge.  She talked about how the spirits show Scrooge what he needs to do, and he changes completely, and for good.

I so know what I need to do for my health.  I've been hearing more cancer stories, and by-pass references, and diabetes scares.  And usually that's enough to get me back on the health band-wagon.  But not lately.  I've eaten too much every day for the last month, probably.  I eat until I'm physically hurting.  And it doesn't heal my emotional hurts either.  I don't know what to do to help me change completely, and for good.  Maybe having a schedule and sticking to it?

Today:
S: ?
E: n/a
W: 144.6
12:00 spring mix, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili, a banana
4:00 a banana
5:00 2 containers of hummus with corn chips, butterscotch clusters from Miss Grace

Bingey Monday.

Today:
S: ?
W: 143.4
E: n/a
12:00 2 bananas
5:30 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, palta, chili, several cookies
8:00  cookies and frosting and milk
10:15 samosa wrap

Chipping away.

My amazing friend Jordan posted this on fb today:

"Supposedly, when asked how he carved the famous 'David' statue, Michelangelo explained that he just had to chip away the pieces that weren't part of David.  I feel like this happens when we go through trials...they refine us.  My heard definitely goes out to friends and strangers that are having a rough time right now. Hang in there!"

I have been doing things that aren't a part of the real me.  Eating things I shouldn't because they don't make me feel my best, doesn't help me feel the Spirit.  I will keep trying.

Today:
S: 6 hours?
W: 142.4
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
4:00 cookie dough, cookies, salad
5:45 crackers with cheese and summer sausage
9:00 peanut butter balls, pound cake, milk

Healing

It's something that the world needs, that the families and friends in CT need, that each person needs.

Sometimes I'm better than others at letting myself heal.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 140.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 2 bananas and walnuts
2:00 spinach and fiesta mix, another banana
4:00 chips, chili, a cookie, a little cake
4:30 batch of marshmellow popcorn

Time to do.

In my blog reading today, I came across this video.  I like how this man decided to do what he could, and he achieved his dream.  And he's happy.

My favorite part: If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it.

There are so many things that I want to do.  They don't get done unless I do them.

Today:
S: 3 hours
W: 146.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
4:00 coconut cupcake of deliciousness
6:30 berry nut salad and Tuscan white bean soup

Not much too much...

But still too much.  This is one of our (Beth, Jesse, and I's) favorite videos.  Makes us laugh every time, and we use the words "much too much" on a semi-regular basis.

Today I didn't binge quite as much as I have the last couple of days, but it was still too much.  Working on it.  Still think I'm excusing myself too much.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 146.8
E: pm yoga
12:00 soup, salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden, pecan pumpkin cheesecake
5:00 a couple of cookies
9:30 lots of chips and hummus, a couple of cookies, bowl of granola with almond milk

Binging is not frying.

My friend, Vanessa, is so wise.  In our little chat tonight she reminded me that binging is not really frying my fish, and that I have bigger fish to fry.  I'd been using my emotions as an excuse to binge, but binging doesn't really solve anything, doesn't really help me deal with what's really hurting.  So I'll not try to eat perfectly mañana.  I'll just try to not eat more than I need.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 143
E: pm yoga
12:00 spring mix with fiesta mix
4:00 4 apples, 4 granola bars
6:00 6 pieces of pizza, Christmas candy

Agotada.

Can't seem to get my mind to accept that binging isn't helping me feel better.  So trying to eat my emotions, fill my heart with food today.

Today: 141.2
S: 4 hours
E: n/a
12:00 fiesta mix, grapes
4:30 2 king size paydays
6:30 LOTS of fries, a hamburger, ice cream

Monday madness.

I binged so much today.  V said it might be better not to try to control it, but I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet.  At least I know some of the reasons why I do it now.

I'm so exhausted.  Can't decide if that's better or worse than feeling everything right now.  Hurting for V and what she's dealing with right now. Have occasional moments of pain for Little Johanna, but most of the time, it's just my regular daily grind, in a very exhausted state.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
11:30 usual salad
4:00 grapes
5:00 4 pb and honey sandwiches, pasta sauce and artichokes
8:30 4 cinnamon rolls and milk.

I am a fighter.

I remember one reunion, Aunt Evonne and Kristy and I talking about being feisty.  Kristy said that she didn't see me as being feisty, and Aunt Evonne said "I don't know, I think Johanna can be pretty feisty when you get her going."

I am feisty tonight.  In a I-will-not-be-a-victim-anymore sort of way.  And I will do all that I can to help others heal as well, just like Vanessa and Beth and helping me heal now, and how I'm sure my therapist-to-be will help me, and most of all how my Savior, Jesus Christ will continue to help me.  I will work to be like Him.  I know there are hard and dark days ahead (I waited a little after coming home before logging in to chat with V. Not because I don't love her, or want to talk to her, but I wasn't quite ready to deal with my abuse for a little while, and I think that's okay), but I know that there is also healing and light in my future, lots of it.  Todo Saldra Bien.

Today:
S: 7 plus hours
W: 135.6
E: pm yoga
10:45 spring mix, chili, tomatoes, mushrooms, a banana
5:30 2 bowls of rice, lentils, tomatoes, pineapple and olives (my plant-based version of Hawaiian Haystacks)
7:30 couple of grapes, couple of bites of fiesta mix.

Choosing to heal.

Today has been eye-opening.  I'm choosing to heal, choosing to deal with this abuse that I experienced so long ago and that has been there all along.  It wasn't okay. It isn't okay.  And I'm so grateful for Vanessa and Beth and healing together.  Todo Saldra Bien.


Today:
S: 3.5
W: 136.6
E: pm yoga
8:00 tortilla, potatoes, salsa, 2 servings of applesauce
4:00 2 small bananas, spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili

I am worthy.

John couldn't come after all this weekend.  And in spite of me wanting to see him, it's actually a blessing in disguise for several reasons.  I can work on my thesis more, I am able to spend more time with Cassie before she moved to Portland, and I was able to have a multiple hour facebook chat conversation with my friend Vanessa about abuse.  I found out that she had been abused through her blog, and wrote her a message, mentioning that I had been too, when I was little. (Not by anyone related to me...but that is the case with some people). We talked about a ton of things, but one of the things that came up about me was that I am ready to start healing from this. I didn't realize that it has effected me so much, but as we talked several things came up that made me think Oh! Maybe that's why I do this, or act this way, etc.

So I'm trying to believe that I am worthy of being healed.  And I'm trying to get out of the long-term habit of thinking it's not that big of a deal.  Talking with Cassie helped, but V thinks that it's something that I need to talk about with my family too.  And that's a big deal. My parents know, but I hate being vulnerable ever, much less in front of siblings and in-laws that I already feel vulnerable around sometimes. And I worry that my dealing with my past will make it seem like I don't feel like Beth's past is as important.  But both Cassie and Vanessa say that it will probably actually allow her to face her own past experiences.

Today:
S: 5 hours
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili
4:30 orange julius with Beth

Victory!

So many great things today!
I survived teaching today (so tired!) and love my kids.
I didn't call for Brick Oven like I wanted to after school.
Our grant money is all used, so I don't have to log hours! Which means I can sleep tonight! And just work until it's done, which I like better than the hourly thing.  So grateful to have been paid to do this!
AND, Ramona's family has been chosen by a birth mother!  So exciting!!!

Today:
S: 5 hours?
W: 139.4 or .6
E: pm yoga
7:00 banana
11:30 chicken soup with veggies, salad with nuts, raisins and dressing, and a couple of bites of delicious cookie, a banana
4:00 banana, apple, 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and honey

Miracles.

I believe in them.  Today was one.  The fact that I will get 20 hours more of thesis work in in the next 2 days is one as well. Habra milagros hoy si tienes fe.

Today:
S: 4.5 hours
W: 141.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
5:30 banana, bindhi aloo, apple

Vulnerable

That's how I'm feeling right now.  JA hasn't written since Sunday night, and I know he's busy, but I'm feeling like the semi-forward line I put in the last email probably has him running for the hills just because he hasn't answered.  Oh, wait.  No need for him to run!  He's already 6 hours away.

And Beth and I went and had our bf% tested.  I've lost 18 pounds and 4% bf since January 25, 2011.  I've been lower in weight and bf since then, and I'm still in the "moderately lean" category, rather than the "excess fat" category, but it wasn't as low as I was thinking/hoping right now.

So I came home and ate.  Brilliant plan.  And then Beth bought cookies and of course I ate most of them.  I just can't do this anymore!  SOMETHING has got to change.  And I'm the only one who can choose for me.

Today:
S: 8 hours!
W: 136.8
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 Cafe Rio Salad
4:30 bowl of granola and almond milk
5:00 18 cookies and a bowl of vegetable soup
9:30 rice and bindhi aloo

addiction.

I talked to Marissa Jensen about food today while my kids were looking at the Santa's shop stuff.  She's stopped eating sugar (8 months ago) and has decided it's going to be this way for the rest of her life. I'm excited to talk to her more about it.

I'm addicted to sugar.  I'm also addicted to time-sucking activities on the internet.  I worked for 8 hours on my thesis today, but too many writing minutes were spent on non-thesis-related things.  Need to do better.

Beth is being my mother right now, and made my lunch for me with a cute note written on a paper towel.  She is truly saving me.

Today:
S: about 6 hours
W: 138.8
E: essentrics a/a
6:30 pecans and a banana
12:00 romaine, spinach, fiesta mix
4:00 banana, clementine

Blessed.

Beth and I are Eating to Live together, and it makes it so much easier to be accountable to someone.  She has also volunteered to be our vegan chef while I finish up my thesis. LOVE HER. And when J, J, M, A, and B and E came over for dinner and the AMAZING First Presidency Christmas Devotional, they all helped me cut out snowflakes. And I got an email from my Boise Boy.  And there are only 2.5 weeks of school left and I've been inspired with a plan for this month's seating chart that I think will facilitate good working and learning and behavior.
Don't know how I could be more blessed.  My God is with me every hour and is helping me through this crazy time.

Today:
S: ?
W: 139.6
E: n/a
5:30 banana bites with Mathis
6:00 2 corn tortillas with lentil taco filling, lettuce, tomatoes, and palta, 1 banana
7:30 bite of lentils, few bites of tomatoes, few chips and salsa (cleaning up)

Sweet Saturday

I slept for 9 hours last night, and took a nap today.  It was lovely.  I also ate to live, and did essentrics.  Feeling good.  Ayunando for service, thesis and health.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 142.6 (20 to go, baby!)
E: essentrics a/a
11:00 banana
2:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad of deliciousness

Too much food, not enough sleep.

I blame my lack of discipline on lack of sleep.  I'm just glad that Beth and I are going to do plant-based together for awhile.  It will help to be accountable to someone.  We sure had a last hurrah tonight, though.  Funny how a last hurrah feels so terrible.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 137.2 (don't worry, I weighed 10 pounds more tonight on the dr's scale.  And that was before ice cream and sushi. Gross.)
7:00 banana
11:30 greens with feta and craisins, ham, baked potato with sour cream, bacon and cheese, roll with butter, corn with butter and cream, 4 sugar cookies
4:30 2 Toblerone bars
5:00 low mein noodles, egg drop soup, pot stickers, wonton wraps, fortune cookie
6:30 eggnog/pumpkin spice ice cream cone
7:00 about 2 rolls of sushi

Keep going.

For years I've been interested in fitness and health.  I remember about a year and a half ago, I was trying to get in shape, trying to figure out what to do. The thought that kept coming was Keep Going.  And soon thereafter I found out about Eat to Live, which has changed my life completely health-wise.  

Right now I'm tired and feeling old and overwhelmed.  It's times like these that I sometimes (and by sometime, I mean often) succumb to the temptation to just give it up as a lost cause and try to eat away my cansansia and stress.  So it's another Keep Going time. I can't see the end from the beginning, but I know I need to do this. 

I'm thinking about going to get my body fat tested at BYU tomorrow.  It will be interesting to see what my stats are right now.

Today:

S: 5.25 hours

W: 139.6

E: essentrics l/b

8:00 banana

12:00 romaine, fiesta mix, grapes

4:00 banana

Take Responsibility

Last night before I went to bed, I decided that I need to do a seriously committed to ETL stint before Christmas.  I decided that I will ETL as much as possible (and I really can get out of almost any non ETL food without making a big deal out of it), do essentrics daily, drink lots of water, and get at least 6 hours of sleep a night.

This morning when I woke up, the thought that was on my mind was Take Responsibility.  I'm the only one who can do this for me.  No one else controls my decisions.  If I'm eating too much, it's my fault.  If I'm not eating good-for-me foods or getting enough sleep, that's my decision.  So I'm going to do better about taking responsibility for my decisions and REALLY doing my best, REALLY becoming who I am, physically as well as spiritually and emotionally.  Because they're all connected.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 142.4
E: essentrics a/a
12:00 salad greens, beans, tomatoes, banana (didn't finish it because it didn't taste good, I wasn't hungry, and I didn't have a lot of time, either. Thank goodness for my chicken!)
4:00 grapes, banana
9:30 bite of fiesta mix as I made lunch for tomorrow

Catch up!

I know I haven't blogged for a few days....I've been out of town enjoying lots of good company and LOTS of pie.

Here's a summary of the days I missed (think I got them all) along with today's:

Thursday November 22, 2012
W: 143.4
E: essentrics a/a
F: banana, stuffing, turkey, potatoes and gravy, rats, lots of pie and cheesecake, and repeats

Friday November 23, 2012
S: 9 hours
11:00 grain cereal, honey, cream, raisins
4:00 potatoes and gravy, veggies, key lime pie, lemon meringue, and 2 pieces of pumpkin pie with whipped cream

Saturday, November 24, 2012
12:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad
7:00 salad, tomato soup, bread and cheese, apples, pumpkin pie and ice cream

Sunday, November 25, 2012
2:15 salad and dressing, potatoes, sweet potatoes, juice, apples, crackers and cheese, roll, piece of sour cream peach pie

Monday, November 26, 2012
W: 138.6
F: hummus and veggies, 3 bowls of cereal with almond milk, hummus and corn chips

Today
S: 4 hours
W: 141.8
12:00 regular salad (love mushrooms!) plus bell peppers, banana
5:00 banana
6:30 bowl of chili and corn chips

You can do anything you want.

Father quotes Bishop McMullin as saying You can do anything that you want, you just can't do everything.  I want to get in shape more than I want to eat the world.  So I stuck to my Power of 3 rules and only ate one plate of food at India Palace today, and all vegetarian. I could have put less on that plate, granted, but doing one plate instead of 5 is a start.

Beth and I had a conversation about needing to do ETL...so true, but that didn't stop us from eating pizza.  I need help.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 139.6
12:00 rice, veggie bhriyani, dal, curry pakora, veggie mix, scone, potato patty.
4:00 pie dough, filling, pizza, salad, 3 rats

Forge Forward with Faith

When I weighed myself this morning, I apparently forgot about the effects of my Sunday binge, and thought that I'd weighed 138.8 yesterday, and that somehow I'd gone up.  I was thinking about going back to bed instead of doing essentrics and studying, but I know what I need to do, and I'm trying to be better about doing it, so I decided to stick to the plan (sort of...my thesis hours are not as easy to stick to as eating better and exercising are) and do essentrics anyway.  Then I realized that I have lost 2-3 pounds since yesterday.  I just need to keep forging forward with faith, whether I can see the distant scene or not.  I struggle with wanting to know the end from the beginning, and just need to take it a step at a time, moving forward, trusting that it will all work out, even though I can't see how. (Very applicable to relationships, jobs, thesis, everything.)


Today:
S: 6.5
W: 141.4
E: essentrics l/b
7:30 bite of beans, a few grapes
12:15 spring mix, onions, mushrooms, cilantro, chili, banana
2:00 piece of pumpkin cream pie
4:30 chips and hummus
11:30 orange juice

Rededication.

The Boise temple was rededicated yesterday. Mother shared some thoughts from the dedication, one of which was Sister Brinkerhoff (the temple matron?) encouraging us to rededicate ourselves.  I read that after I had already decided to get up early enough to go running and do essentrics.

I am not living up to my privileges when I abuse my body through over-eating and lack of exercise.   I am rededicating myself to taking good care of this amazing gift my Heavenly Father has given me. 

Here are my new power of three rules:

1) Eat to Live as much as possible

2) 1 plate

3) 1 or none on desserts (none of this 20 cookie binge!)

Today:

S: 6 hours

W: 144.6

E: 20 + minute walk/run, essentrics a/a
8:00 banana
12:00 banana
1:30 3 rats
3:40 banana, 1 rat, chips and salsa

Still sick.

Gross!  I hate being sick.  I was feeling okay, but I think eating cereal this morning was not a good idea.  And my cough is still there, albeit much weaker than before! :)

And I binged tonight, with no apparent provocation.  Am I heart sick?   What am I stressing about?  What can I do to let myself heal?

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 138.8
10:15 banana, bowl of granola with almond milk
4:00 chips, hummus, mushrooms, Lindt balls, cookie dough, cookies, lots of cookies
6:00 ham, funeral potatoes, bean salad, salad

Recovering.

I've been sick for the last couple of weeks, but I think I'm getting better.  I think my voice sounded almost normal today!
And I'm recovering from yesterday's binge.  I was surprised that I didn't gain more weight...actually went down in spite of my craziness! "Little" blessings.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 141.6
E: pm yoga
12:00 Cafe Rio salad of deliciousness
4:00 banana
7:30 bowl of cereal with almond milk
9:00 few chips and hummus, a banana
12:00 bowl of cereal with almond milk

Desperation.

I ate SO MUCH today.  Again.  I think it's a desperate attempt to gain energy from some source, as it's clearly not coming from sleep, as it should.

Today:
S: 4.5
W: 143
E: n/a
Food: 4 bananas, fry bread, lentil soup, samosa wrap, marshmallows, walnuts and raisins, 2 completos, 16 oz. of Ben and Jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

Last of the big binges.

I binged again today and tonight.  I will stop with help from my Heavenly Father.  I can't afford to do things that compromise my health, because that compromises my ability to serve.  Tonight I couldn't really do much to serve in the temple because I have this awful cough.  Need to get better so I can serve.  I need to become who I am physically as well as mentally and spiritually.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 141.2
E: n/a
12:00 2 bowls of pumpkin soup, 3-4 sweet potato rolls, several pumpkin cookies, a banana
4:00 banana
7:00 chicken noodle soup, lots of pumpkin cookies, chips and hummus

Afraid

Sometimes I think I'm afraid of success.  I avoid working on my thesis, I binge when I'm getting closer to my health goals.  Still don't know why.

Today:
S: 7.5
W: 135
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 spinach, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili, banana
4:00 Indian burrito thing, banana
10:00-12:00 cookie dough, cookies, chicken noodle soup, chips and hummus

Grateful

Today I read about a girl with severe anorexia. I know that I think about what I eat and how much I weigh, or how I feel at different weights more than some people do.  But I am so grateful that I eat, and eat mostly healthy food, and enough of it, and that I have learned not to beat myself up when I have a bingey day.

Today I ate the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  It was what we had, it was what I wanted, and it was delicious.  Variety can wait until tomorrow.  Or the next day. The end.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137.8
E: pm yoga
7:00 banana and roll
12:00 banana and roll
4:00 banana and roll

Forgiveness.

I happen to be human.  Some more so than others.  Today was a very human day eating wise.  I ate more than what I needed/wanted of things that I didn't need/want.  Old, very old, habits die hard.
Gratefully, tomorrow is another day.  And I will try again.

Today:
S: 8 hours
W: 133.8
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana, part of a green smoothie
12:00 quart of green smoothie
6:30 2.5 rolls
8:00 2 servings of rice with magic chicken, some more magic chicken chicken, 3-4 pb cookies, 1pumpkiny bar.
9:00 few spoonfuls of magic chicken while cleaning up.

You know what to do/day of unwrapping

When I was a relatively new missionary, I asked President Tanner about how following the Spirit.  He told me that some things you just do because you've always done them, and that the Spirit will guide you in what to do when there's something new to do.

This morning, I was reading Sister Tanner's (not related to President Tanner as far as I know) talk The Sanctity of the Body, and was planning to read from some of my self-help-don't-eat-emotionally-books afterwards, but then I felt that I already know what to do, I just need to do it!

Here's the plan (and I don't know how close to 100% this plan will work, because of time constraints and holidays, but I'm going to do as well as I can!):
* ETL food as much as possible, only when hungry ("I'm saving my appetite." -Holiday Engagement)
* essentrics M-Sa ("Day of Unwrapping"prep, BYU-I devotional...working on this reference)
* yoga daily
* 20 minutes of cardio 3 days/week (probably T, W, and Sa)


Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 136 or 135.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana and walnuts
5:00 quart of orange juice
6:00 spring mix with tomatoes, some ranch and "fakin' bacon," a little bit of curry and rice, bit of banana bread, bite of bread dough

Miracles

I just watched the trailer for The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  I've been wanting to see it, and a friend posted the trailer on fb today, saying that she loved it.  In the trailer, the mom, Jennifer Garner, says, "He's something unexpected.  Our little miracle." It made me cry.

For forever, as in as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mama. I'm hoping that I still get to be one someday, but I think that part of the reason why I make sure that I'm so busy is so that I don't have to deal with the pain of not being able to live that dream yet.  I'm blessed to be able to be a "School Mom" to my students, and to love on my nieces and nephew (I'm secretly hoping that Ben and Erin's baby will be a boy so that we'll have even numbers), but I also want babies of my own.

I've also been feeling a need to REALLY get in shape.  So this is a redeclaration of my intentions to be as healthy as possible for my future family.  Here's to the miracle of change, the miracle of marriage, and the miracle of my family to be.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 137.4
E: 1 hour of shoveling snow, pm yoga
11:30 spring mix, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, walnuts and raisins

Thought about eating more later, but I wasn't hungry, so I didn't, even though I bought some delicious food for later.  Just because I have it doesn't mean it needs to be eaten now. I don't want to give up what I really want for something inconsequential and temporary.

Thesis, forever.

I spent 12 hours today on my thesis, with lots of interruptions.  But I'm caught up on my hour commitment! So I'm going to watch a movie and sleep in, and begin again.

Today:
S: 8 hours
W: 137
E: am yoga
10:00 walnuts and a banana
2:00 spring mix, chili, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes
4:00 grapes
6:30 sweet potatoe chili, walnuts and raisins.

Slowly Going Crazy

We had a math training today and I have to be DOING something all the time, or feel like I'm making progress.  And when I'm not, I compensate by doing unnecessary things, like eating, A LOT, when I'm not hungry.

I did it again this evening, eating carrots and hummus when I wasn't hungry.  But I worked on my thesis for 6 hours today, in spite of my yucky cold! :)

Today:
S: 5.5
W: 135.4
E: pm yoga
9-10:30 6 granola bars
11:30 spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili, a few grapes
3:00 quart of orange juice
6:00 hummus and carrots
7:00-? two quarts of orange juice

Freedom

Well, my vote didn't make enough difference to help Romney win.  Obama is in for another 4 years.  I don't agree with everything (or even most) of what I know that he's done the past 4 years, but I will follow the advice of my church leaders and pray for the leaders of the nation.  And God will make me free where man never can.

I DO have freedom to control what I eat.  I did well today, and am hoping that it helps make up for the lack of sleep I've had and will have for the next few weeks.  7 more weeks until I'm no longer required to work 30 hours/week on my thesis.  30 hours til relative freedom (I'll still have to defend and submit, etc.)

I've also realized that if I want to have any sort of freedom later in the week, I can NOT skip even a day of thesis work.  Sunday is the only thesis-free day if I want to not die.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 138
E: pm yoga
12:00 dal, walnuts and raisins
5:20 and 5:45 green smoothie (spinach, peaches, banana)

Choice

This morning, Amy and I waited in line for an hour plus to cast our votes. We were almost late to school, and since I wasn't in the book, there is a possibility that my vote might not even count!  But it was worth the sacrifice of time and sleep and prep time to voice my choice.

I've also been more deliberate in my food choices today.  Did eat more than I probably needed (I wasn't hungry at dinner time, but ate anyway), but it was all ETL food!  I just feel so much better this way!
And I'm going to bed early, so hopefully this cold that has been lurking in the corners will be banished by many hours of sleep.

Today:
S: 7 plus hours
W: 139.2
E: pm yoga, .5 mile walk/run with my students
7:30 banana, walnuts
12:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad of deliciousness
5:30 banana, dal

Let your body heal itself.

I don't think I've said it for a while, because I haven't needed to, but in the past, when I've had semi-hypochondriac kids who always need a band-aid, or want to be "all better" 30 seconds after a physical fiasco, I tell them "You just need to give your body a chance to heal itself."  I need to take my own advice on this.

Somehow I've developed this attitude recently that I can eat whatever I want to.  That is true.  However, I can't eat whatever I want to or whatever everyone else is eating and feel good, or follow what I feel like I'm being directed to do.  I don't know if I will develop something later on that will be helped to heal by eating this way, or if I'm preventing something, or if it's "just" a way to be closer to the Spirit.  Whichever it happens to be, I'm going to do better.

I will not eat meat or dairy unless those are the only options available, or if I would offend someone by not eating it.  I will also avoid sugar most of the time and refined flour foods as well.  I will do my best to Eat to Live.

In yesterday's CES fireside, one of Bishop Causse's points to live by was "Become who you are."  I feel like eating this way is helping me become who I am, a beloved daughter of God.

Today:
S: 4.5
W: 141
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana and walnuts
11:30 spring mix, chili, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, a few grapes
4:00 grapes
5:00 2 cheese buns, lots of butterscotch chips

When you're eating well, you're well.

That's the title of a little song that Erin linked on FB.  I've been eating well in the sense that I've eaten a lot, but not in the sense that I've eaten well for my body.   I know that I need to be careful about this, but I wasn't today.  I don't think I need to go back to no meat or dairy ever, but I do need to set some parameters and abide by them.  Today turned into a free for all, but it will have consequences for my body.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 136.6
E: am yoga...felt so good!
5:00 lasagna...said no to seconds
6:00 sugar cookies from Kelsey, and butterscotch chips with Amy during the CES fireside
7:30 rats, 1 1/2 chicken enchiladas, clam chowder, peach cobbler, ice cream.

Hunger Games!

We had our 1st annual Hunger Games party tonight.  Apparently I had the idea.  Amy took it and made it happen, otherwise it would have just been another idea.  I don't have enough time to play to plan things, but I sure enjoyed tonight! Lots of good food, fun to dress up, a good movie and fantastic company.

The Hunger Games book/movie make me think about how blessed I am, and about my relationship with food and others.  I am so grateful to be able to provide for myself, to have enough and to spare.  I need/want to do more to help those who don't have enough, or to spare.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 135.8
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana, regular salad
4:00 mallow pumpkins, banana?
6-8 a little bit of grazing, and then 3 chicken pillows, one blue berry one, and lamb stew.  All delicious. I ate more than enough, but I wasn't uncomfortably full.  And I didn't have to compensate for all the food I ate Capitol style.

Benefits of being friendly.

I don't have friends with benefits...I did have a psuedo relationship sort-of like that once upon a time: BAD IDEA.

What I am striving for now is being friendly to my body...and it has HUGE BENEFITS.  Earlier this week, I was just dragging, exhausted all the time.  In the last couple of days, I've decided to stop eating the world to try to stay awake.  And remarkably enough, I have more energy, and it's easier to stay awake.

It doesn't hurt that I'm on a down-ward trend again for losing weight...I've gone a little crazy with over-eating in the past week.  Here is my track record:

Saturday October 27th: 134.4 (pretty average)
Sunday the 28th: 141
Monday the 29th: 137
Tuesday the 30th: 141.2
Wednesday the 31st: 146.2
Thursday the 1st: 145.2
Friday (today): 138.6

We'll see what I weigh in as tomorrow, but I've gained almost 12 pounds, and lost almost 7 in the last almost week.  Yikes!

Today:
S: 6.75
W: 138.6
E: pm yoga (SOOOO nice after a long day of teaching, planning, and thesising.
7:30 few bites of beans and tomatoes (while prepping lunch)
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, onions, canned fire-roasted tomatoes (delicious!), canned chili
4:30 banana, bread, peanut butter, honey

Just keep swimmin'

I did much better today about eating good for me food.  And I'm much less tired today, mostly because my body isn't expending all it's energy trying to digest the massive amounts of food I've consumed!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 145.2
E: yoga
11:45 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili

Help!

I tried eating to stay awake again today. It just made me overly full.  I need to get more sleep, and to not go skating with 23 wild waheenies!  Luckily, that second one only happens every once in a while.
I'll try being sane again tomorrow.

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 146.2
E: essentrics arms section only
12:00 grapes
5:00 chili, chips, grapes, banana and walnuts
6:00 an entire package (24) of cookies
7:00 5 pumpkin candies...decided to be done.
8:30 pigs in a blanket at Megan's party.

Something's gotta give!

I can't seem to stop binging!  I did pretty well until Beth, Spencer and I went out for sushi.  19 rolls?! Oh, yes, we did.  Can't breathe.
And I've started getting shooting pains again. Need to stop, and say "No, just no!" (Speaking of Taylor, she's coming to SLC on June 1st!) We're totally going!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 141.2
E: ess l/b
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili
3:50 grapes
8:00 LOTs of sushi
10:00 candy mallow pumpkins

Naughty Jo.

My friend Brooke posted the following quote on fb tonight: "Obedience is the path to freedom." James E Faust.

I have not been obedient to what I know I need to be doing for my body. I need less food and more sleep. So I'm going to finish this post and go to sleep!  And make a more concerted effort not to eat too much tomorrow!

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137
E: essentrics a/a
6:30 banana, walnuts, and lots of stay-awake-to-study caramels.
11:30 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms
3:40 grapes
7:00 bowl of granola with almond milk
7:40 ginger cookies
8:00 pumpkin muffin
9:00 chips and chili
9:30 2 hot dogs with bun, j-dawg and fry sauce, and 2 plain...Yes, I feel sick.

Food hangover.

I felt awful today.  I gained 7 pounds in one day because I totally binged yesterday.  My body was achey, and I was exhausted and felt empty and tight in the chest, and inchada everywhere else.  Not fun.  I took it easy food-wise today.

One of the talks in sacrament meeting was about taking care of our bodies. I totally needed to be reminded of that again.  I'm grateful for repentance.

Today:
S: 7 hours?
W: 141
E: pm yoga
6:00 dal, a banana
7:20 a bite of pumpkin muffin

Eat to...

Live?  Not today.  I ate to stay awake, to avoid talking to people, etc.  I ate SOOOO much. From eating rats and cookies for breakfast, through an open house and 2 Halloween parties, I have been eating the entire day.  I'm not even going to try to list everything.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 134.4
E: n/a

LOTS of food.

Strong enough to say NO.

Tonight I ate 2 pieces of cheese pizza.  They were ok, but not fantastic. And I went to Macey's for tp and rat fixings, and bought cookies and butterscotch chips.  I was going to binge, but I didn't even want to.  Not even a little, not at all.  So I didn't.  Maybe the combination of nourishing my body with ETL foods, not feeling like I have to say no to anything, and JA's calming influence are helping me realize that just because I CAN say yes, doesn't mean I HAVE to.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 132.8
7:30 walnuts and raisins
12:00 spring mix with chili, mushrooms, and tomatoes, a banana
3:30 grapes
5:00 bowl of granola with almond milk, piece of bread with pb and honey, a banana
8:30 two pieces of cheese pizza
10:30 4 cookies

Thursday miracles.

I feel better when I look for the good. So here some of the many mini miracles in my life today:

I only gained .2 pounds from yesterday, even though I ate the taquis and the applesauce yesterday.

I was able to do essentrics this morning, in spite of cansansia.

I have glasses to wear so that I can see, even when I can't wear my contacts.
I have a great team at school.  They're funny and hard-working and good.
My kids are So. Dang. Funny.  Especially Little R.
The temple is amazing. God loves us so much.
Got 3 hours of thesis work in, in spite of all the things I had going on today.
My boy admitted that he wants to hold my hand, and he's coming to visit soon!
And Taylor has still got my back in describing every possible relationship emotion: Dust off your highest hopes!

Today:

S: 5.5

W: 134.6

E: essentrics l/b
I didn't eat breakfast because I wasn't hungry.  Amazing how simple that is, and how hard it is to live sometimes.
12:00 spring mix, fiesta mix, banana
3:30 grapes

Cansansia.

I am so tired.  I have to just keep going, though.  I did eat more than I needed to today in an effort to stay awake during my thesis time. I'll do better tomorrow, though.  And if not, there's always the next day.

Today:
S: 6.5 hours
W: 134.4
E: essentrics a/a, 30 plus minute walk with Beth
7:30 walnut, raisins
12:00 spring mix, fiesta mix, orange
5:00 grapes, knock off taquis, quart of applesauce.

Crazier.

I'm listening to Taylor Swift's version of Crazier.  Pretty applicable right now. I worked 7.5 hours on my thesis today, in addition to my full day of teaching.  And I get to do it again tomorrow.  And the next day, and the next day.  Man, I'm tired!

The good news is that life is still good.  I'm learning from people in their interviews...I just need to love everyone 1) Because that's what God wants me to do 2) Because people inevitably turn out to be better than I judged them to be initially (if I judged them harshly).  I guess that includes getting to know Miss Katie, who at first sight seems to be too girly to be close to.

Today
S: 6 hours
W: 136.4 or .8? can't remember
E: essentrics l/b
7:00 banana with walnuts
12:00 spring mix with tomatoes, onions, and chili, banana
4:00 grapes
9:00 few spoonfuls of fiesta mix, a couple of grapes (prepping tomorrow's lunch).

Monday Madness

I do have blog posts for the days that I was gone.  Here you go:

10/19/12
Lovely Day.
Ate Dairy, but no meat.  Happy to be here in Boise!
Today:
Sleep: 4.5
W: 134.8
E: am yoga
7:30 dal and chili, green smoothie
1:00 fries, vegan burger
2:00 green smoothie
3:00 2 pb/h sandwiches
6:00 vanilla shake and pumpkin pie


10/20/12
Today was a fairy tale....if fairytales include bucket-bruised knees and mushy apples!  But the definitely include Prince Charmings, and mine held my hand tonight!  And he's not sounding opposed to being mostly plant based! And I don't have to eat hot dogs.  So life is great!
Today:
S: 7 plus
E: buckets and apples
9:00 2 buttermilk pancakes, applesauce and syrup
mid am: 1 apple, apple juice
lunch: chili with a little meat in it, sauerkraut
pm licorice, plums, Werther
dinner:  veggie salad with cheese chunks, bread and butter


10/21/12
Choices
I choose to not eat meat today---feel better that way.
S: 6 hours
B: 3 muffins
L: potatoes, carrot, onion, spaghetti squash, lemon meringue pie
pm: chocolate pumpkin cake
trip: vanilla wafers, candy, banana chips
home: pumpkin cheesecake with Beth and Amy


Today (10/22/12)
Sleep: ? 4.5 hours?
W: 134.6 (this after cheesecake at 11pm!...need to not abuse my privileges).
E: essentrics a/a
B: banana and walnuts
L: spring mix, chili, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, grapes
S: banana
D: pasta with tomato sauce (gave my meatballs to Amy), cheap salad with ranch, part of a roll.
S: piece of bread with pb and honey
S: 2 pumpkin rolls and wassel

Need to work on not eating unless I really need/want it.  But I didn't feel as bingey as I do sometimes, and tomorrow is another day.  Todo saldra bien!

Day 4: News

I was so tired today.  Even little D, who was being a punk in math essentials, could tell. But we got through the day...and a lot more than I usually eat in a day, too.  All plant-based, though.  I tend to eat more on days that I'm tired.  But I didn't eat more when I got home from shopping, which was good.

I told my John that I have met my goal of no meat for a year and that I could eat whatever this weekend (mainly so his mother doesn't make all the meals plant-based for me...I could tell his dad didn't love it).  He said "Good work at 'meating' that goal!"  :) I still want to be plant-based as much as I can without causing others stress.  So when there is a buffet-type meal, I'll avoid the meat.  When there's a sit down dinner, or meat is what there is, I'll eat it.

And the most exciting news is: Brother John has been accepted to BYU for Winter Semester!  Hooray!!

Today:

S: 6 hours?

W: 133.6

E: essentrics l/b, mall walking with Amy

7:00 banana and walnuts

11:30 spring mix with fiesta chili, tomatoes, mushrooms.  Sweet potato chili, curry, and a few grapes

2:30 grapes

4:30 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and honey

5:30 hummus plate at Red Robin (hummus with pita bread, grilled zuchini, cucumbers, and carrots.

Day 3: No, just no.

A few times today I have thought that I wanted to eat something (the kids' Krispy Kreme pictures looked good, and I half-considered eating a little package of Reese's Pieces, and when I got home, I looked in the fridge) but I'm not hungry (just ridiculously exhausted...just thought that maybe I'm not eating enough, even though I'm not physically hungry really) so I didn't eat.  I'll keep an eye on the hunger thing.  Maybe I do need to eat a little more, but in the mean time, I was grateful to be able to say "No, just no!" when it came to eating without being hungry today.

Also, today marks a year since I stopped eating meat intentionally, and started this blog. (Happy birthday, blog!)  I still go back and forth about whether I'll start eating meat again or not.  In the meantime, here's to a year of being mostly vegetarian/vegan!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 133.6
E: essentrics a/a, 22 minute walk with Beth
7:30 banana and walnuts
11:50 spring mix, my fiesta chili, tomatoes, mushrooms...ate it quick and worked for .5 hours on my thesis during my lunch break!  I am going to finish this!!
3:35 grapes...ate them with my student council kids! :)

Day 2: Looking on the bright side.

Today was good food-wise.  I was tired, but happy to spend time with my kiddos.  I really do have the best job ever! And I lost weight, and ate yummy food, and did essentrics, which makes me happy.

Today:
Sleep: 6 hours
Weight: 136
Exercise: essentrics l/b, 27 minute walk (little jogging at the end)
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 Cafe Rio salad of deliciousness (Thank you, Beth!)
3:50 grapes
9:30 hot water and lemon (channeling Anastasia)

Day 1: It's a brand new day!

the sun is high...all the birds are singing, cause...no, I'm not going to die, at least not for a while if I can help it.

I AM trying to kill some bad habits right now (over-eating, eating things that make me sick, not exercising, not working on my thesis) and grow some intense new ones (exercise every day, eat to live FOR REAL, work on my thesis 20 hours a week, etc.)

I love starting over.  It feels so good to have a second or seventy-second chance.  I'm grateful for repentance and change, for the chance to become new, better, stronger, and closer to my Heavenly Father, who has blessed me with this amazing growing opportunity called life.

Today:
S: 6 total (3 and 3)
W: 137.6 (even after my ridiculous binge yesterday!)
E: essentrics a/a (LOVE LOVE LOVE it.), 23 minute walk with Beth
1:00 a cup of sweet potato chili, a banana, a bite of Beth's curry
6:00 veggie Cafe Rio salad...with Cassie, and unexpectedly Beth.  Good company and delicious food!

Wow.

Maybe it's because Beth has been gone, and maybe it's because I haven't had a fija schedule, but I have been such a binger lately.  I did it again today!  I keep letting one little bite, etc. be the start of this awful feeling, self-abusive binge.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 136.8
E: n/a
5:30 chips and salsa, bowl of Taralea's yummy butternut squash soup, bite of cute John's divine cream of broccoli soup.
6:30 spring mix, tomatoes, bowl of dal, large tastes of sweet potato chili (thank you, Katie! First recipe I've tried of hers, and it wasn't even a desert!) and fiesta chili, like 5 breadsticks (had cheese), non-vegan peach cobbler and ice cream, many Macintosh toffees.
9:30 marshmellow popcorn with Amy
12:30 fiesta chili with corn chips, ate part of a Macintosh toffee.  Beth helped me not eat the rest.  I'm starting 6 weeks (the very best I can!!! Feel like it's part of my 3 part duty right now!) right now!!!

Progress

I wasn't hungry this morning, so I didn't eat.  Doing better.  Feel like I need to be praying/striving to do my duty (thesis, serving others, nourishing my body).  Estoy ayundando por eso.  Cuando me enfoco en mi misma y lo que quiero en vez de lo que va a agradar a Dios o ayudarme servir a otros, alli me meto en problemas.  But I'm making progress.

Today:
S: 3 hours
W: 139.4
E: walk to fb game
6:30 nuts over berries salad, tuscan bean salad
7:00 banana

Vacation II...

Binged again today.  Don't even want to think about all that I've eaten today.  

Better.

I gained 7 plus pounds from yesterday to today.  Too much food last night.  I tried to do better today about eating what I needed instead of what my tiredness and stress thought that I wanted.  My new mantra:  I eat when I'm hungry and only what I need.  I'm hoping that this will help with my food issues too.  Estamos en camino

Today:
S: 5
E: pm yoga
W: 142.2
1:30 squash soup, flatbread
10:00 orange tea with agave

Vacation

I had a pretty good day eating wise until the evening, when I ate everything in sight.  Vacation from reality.  But tomorrow it won't feel good!

Battle for Freedom.

I love the hymns.  They always lift me up and give me animo for life, or comfort me.  One that has been in my head lately is Do What Is Right.  The line "Battle for freedom in spirit and might," is my favorite.

Yesterday, I had the thought that I am battling for freedom...from earth stains, from addictions.  While I know that views on what qualifies as an addiction are varied,   I think of it as anything you do compulsively and repeatedly that is harmful to you.  With that definition in mind, I definitely have food addictions.  Certain foods and moods trigger unhealthy behaviors for me.  So, by sticking to ETL as much as possible, I'm battling for freedom!!! And ETL is also a big advantage in the battle against disease, as well.

Today:
S: 5.5
W: 136.4
E: 37 minute walk with Beth, pm yoga.
7:30 banana, walnuts
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, onions, cilantro, tomatoes, chili, grapes
3:40 grapes
5:30 honey popcorn (tried it without the peanut butter...not fantastic, but ok)

Monday.

I have been tired and easily annoyed/frustrated today.  Not good when JA is going to be here tonight, and I'm unofficially in charge of ward FHE as well.  I'm sure it will all turn out right.  I just need to look on the bright side of things, and there are so many good things.  Today, as we were coming in from recess, I was frustrated by the noise level of the students behind mine, and when we got into the classroom, little R. said "Teacher, you look like you are mad." I said that I was tired and frustrated.  Someone (K?) responded "Why?! Don't we make you happy?"  I laughed, and said that they did. And it's true, they do.  They are among my best and brightest blessings.  How lucky am I to get to hang out with 24 amazing kids every day, and learn new things with them?!

Today:
S: 6 hours?
W: 138.8 (obviously need to work on implementing my rules and live foot plans!)
E: tiny bit of am yoga with my kids, pm yoga
7:30 banana and walnuts
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, cilantro, onions, chili, orange
4:30 rainbow chili, grapes, piece of bread with peanut butter and honey

Live foot plans.

Elder Walter F. Gonzalez spoke today in the am session of General Conference.  He said that iniquity hampers our ability to see and love others.  I've known that abusing my body isn't good, known that it's against what God would have me do, and have at times, thought of it in terms of being a sin, but there have been several times in the conference this weekend that I have been reminded of that, and Elder Gonzalez's talk was one of those.

I need to eat to live forever.  And self-abuse, in any form, is a sin.  If it's not helping me feel closer to Heavenly Father, if it's not helping me see and love others, then it's not right, and I need to change.  I need to come up with some live foot plan things specifically for eating.  Live foot plans are to keep us on the right track when we're tempted, and so should be just as applicable for temptation to self-abuse as for any other sin.

Here are some ideas: pray, music (sing or listen or play), create, stretch, breathe.

Today:

S: 7 hours

W: 136.4

9:30 banana, piece of pear

12:00-2:00 2 bananas, pickings of peaches, dough, pasta sostanza
5:00 peanut butter and honey sandwich
5:40 rainbow chili, corn, 2 pieces of bread with jam, biscuit, grapes
9:00 2 pieces of bread with pb and honey, bread with palta, 2 bananas (maybe 3) 

Conference

I sure love General Conference.  It helps me know what to do and how to do it, and also helps me feel my Savior's love.  Today I was taught and reminded of many things, but one thing related to this blog was the repeated doctrine that we need to be worthy of the Spirit.  Taking care of my body helps me be closer to the Spirit.  Which is why eating this way is so important to me.  Need to work on portion sizes...gaining 8 pounds in 2 days is not exactly healthy.  I know it's just because I've eaten so much and am so full, but I don't feel as good or as close to the Spirit this way.

Today:
S: ?
W: 138.4
E: 20 minute 2 mile run (hill included), pm yoga
2:00 banana, walnuts
6:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, chili, banana, grapes, part of an orange, bread with pb and honey
7:00 pb and honey popcorn

Growing

I gave my first official research presentation today.  It went pretty well.  Stefinee didn't give me any real feedback, said I did good work and that we'd need to include more of the PD dimension in my thesis, but several people from other schools seemed to really like it, and I actually enjoyed doing it.  I think that one of the things that I've learned from grad school is to be calmer in new situations.  I still don't know if I want to do a PhD or not (and don't think that I should do it around family, or if I have a family), but I know that grad school has helped me grow, and that Heavenly Father will guide me to those things that I need to do for further growth, and HIS plan A.

Today:
S: 7 plus
E: n/a
W: ?
12:00 salad with vinegarette dressing, pasta salad, 2 pickles
3:15 grapes, pear, strawberries
7:00 spring mix, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, chili, banana
9:00 banana, 3 pb rollups.
12:00 granola, soy milk, agave
1:00 granola, soy milk, agave

What do I want?

I spent the day at the NRMERA conference.  Stefinee wants me to do other conferences and see if it's something I want to do more of.  She says I need to find out if the academic conversation is interesting enough to sustain me, to see if I like presenting, etc.  If today is any indication, the answer is no.  While I greatly appreciate what these men and women are doing, it's mainly because I want to be doing the best thing I can for my students, IN THE CLASSROOM.  If I don't get to be a stay-at-home-mama, I want to be an in-the-classroom-teacher.
I also want to eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it. (Said no to cookies, and ate vegetarian today, but there was cheese on my pasta tonight...I never think to ask about garnish cheese! and I ate fries).  And this posh lifestyle...so not my scene.


Today:
S: 5 hours
E: n/a
W: 134
7:00 banana
12:00ish salad with vinegarette dressing, fruit salad with mint sauce (x2), 2 pickles and 2 servings of veggie pasta salad
3:00 nuts and a banana
6:00 crackers, cucumbers, and carrots
8:00 penne pasta with marinara sauce (had cheese on top)
9:00 Stefinee's McDonald's fries.

Healing.

I've decided that counting is futile.  I haven't been doing ETL for real anyway, and there is always going to be something that comes up (NRMERA conference, trip to JA's house) that will make it so that it's difficult to be 100% ETL. 100% vegan or vegetarian I can do most of the time, but it's going to be difficult to do ETL.

I'm going to try not counting the days, just to focus on healing my body as much as possible.  Beth is doing the 6 week plan.  I plan to stay mostly vegetarian/vegan forever.  And I'll see if I can get down to my goal weight by Thanksgiving.  I think that I've been thinking if I do this right for 6 weeks then I won't have to work at it any more.  But I need to really commit, to be in this for the long haul, regardless of what my weight does, because I feel SO MUCH BETTER eating plant-based.  This afternoon when I ate my salad, it was like I could FEEL the goodness coming into my body.  Food, real food, is healing, and that's what I've got to focus on.

Today:
S: ?
W: 136.4 (yes, I can gain 5.4 lbs in a day!)
E: 30 minute walk/run with Beth, essentrics a/a
12:00 usual salad, banana
3:40 grapes

Day 23: 6 weeks of freedom!

So, I've been counting days, and losing weight, but I've not been true 100% to Eat to Live.  And I want to be.  Beth does too, so we're beginning again tomorrow.
Most of the time I'm fine, but I need some better stress-coping techniques.  I totally binged tonight, and feel awful.  I sure don't feel good eating too much, or eating trash food.  Better tomorrow.  Here's to 6 weeks of freedom!!!

Today:
S: 6.5
W: 131
E: 36 minute walk with Beth
7:30 banana, walnuts
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, cilantro, chili, grapes
3:50 grapes
5:15 2 bananas, 2 peanut butter and honey rollups
6:00 bread, basil, olive oil, minestrone (most likely with beef broth), pasta sostanza
7:00 veggie coconut korma
7:40 caramel stripe cookies (finally told myself no more, after way too many of them!)

Day 22: Progress

Lindsay's newsletter the other day said to strive for progress, not perfection.  While perfection is the aim, I am not perfect, and am grateful for signs of progress in spite of that!

My thesis is coming...and I'm closer to being ready for Friday's NRMERA presentation.  And in spite of weighing exactly what I did last Monday (due to my Sunday afternoon binge, I'm sure), I've lost 2 inches, and am feeling more muscle and less looseness on my legs and abs.  I think I'm doing better with my attitude towards this all, too.  In days past I have gotten mad or frustrated or felt defeated when I wasn't making as much progress as I'd anticipated.  This morning I knew that I hadn't lost, but was happy that I know what to do and how to do it to get back on track, and I know that I need a break every once in a while, and that the breaks won't kill me or cause me to fail.  Feliz.

And I realized that I'm half-way done with my 6 weeks!  Crazy how fast it goes!  So happy to be plant-based!

And on our walk tonight, Beth said she wants to do the 6 weeks for real.  So proud of her and the progress that she is making!

Today:
S: 6.5
W: 131.4
E: essentrics a/a, 37 minute walk with Beth
6:30 banana with walnuts
8:15 grapes and a banana
12:00 spring mix, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, grapes
3:50 grapes

Day 21: Eating my emotions

I was stressed this afternoon...not having heard from JA, worrying about roommate relations, overwhelmed with my room in disarray and no energy to fix it, etc.  So, instead of stopping after my cucumbers and fruit, I ate more later.  At least I stopped when I did.  And I tried under-the-bed therapy. That and Janice got me through.  So blessed.  And the stake fireside about the temple tonight was wonderful.  The perfect way to commemorate my having gone for the first time to receive my endowments 12 years ago!


Today:
S: 6 hours?
W: 130.6
E: n/a
5:00 cucumbers with vinegar and sesame seeds, pear slices, a few grapes
6:15 samosa wrap, 2 bananas, walnuts, peanut butter and honey on a tortilla.

Day 20: Healing

I went hiking this morning with my friend, Emily, and her little family.  It was wonderful to be out in the woods and just to be.  The kids were hilarious, and it was just a good place to be.  I don't necessarily feel broken right now, but nature and children and friends are healing for me.

I don't necessarily feel broken physically, either, but I feel so much better when I eat to live.

Today:
S: almost 6 hours
E: hiking, essentrics l/b
8:00 banana, walnuts
2:00 spring mix, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, cilantro, chili, a banana
3:30 chips and hummus
4:00 grapes

Day 19: What are you sacrificing for?

My friend Taylor posted the following on fb the other day:  "I feel like there are things we say we want and things we actually want.  You can tell which is which by what you're sacrificing for."

Sometimes I do things that don't back up what I say I want.  I'm trying to be more fiel to my intentions and my deepest desires.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 131.4
E: 50 minutes of walking to and from football game,
7:15 banana, walnuts
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, fiesta mix, grapes
3:15 grapes
5:00 samosa wrap, banana

Day 18: Decision to try

I don't love this picture as much as some I've seen, but I do love the message.

I've told my students this story recently:  When I was in 5th grade, I struggled with fractions.  Up to that point, I can't remember anything being difficult for  me, academically speaking.  And I thought that if you weren't naturally good at something, it wasn't meant to be.  Eventually I learned to look at math differently, and to try new ways of doing it.

Trying and practicing make all the difference.  In academics, in eating habits, and in relationships.  I'm doing better at trying.

Today:
S: 6.5
W: 132.4
E: essentrics l/b
7:15 pineapple
12:00 spinach, spring mix, fiesta mix, banana
3:15 grapes, banana, walnuts
4:15 chips and hummus with Beth

Day 17: Blessed.

I don't know if it was on purpose or not (I wouldn't put it past Marisa to make sure that I had veg-friendly food if she knows about my eating habits) but I was able to eat the food that they had at the PTC dinner.  And I LOVE collaborating with parents.  And I REALLY love that the kids are taking ownership of their learning through these learning goals that we're setting. Miss K. just set her learning goal today to learn about France and do a presentation.  Don't worry, she's been using her ipod this afternoon to download language apps and learn French words so that she can prepare for it.  And she told her mom that she needs a beret to wear for it, too.  So fun!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 133.8
E: essentrics a/a, 35 minute walk with Beth
7am peaches (are they what me hicieron mal hoy?)
12:00 spinach, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili, pineapple
2:30 nuts and raisins
5:00 lettuce, black beans and cilantro, spanish rice

Day 16: Not worth it.

So last night I had my little Monday binge, and honestly, the things I ate weren't that great (they were fine, but not fantastic).  I didn't feel terrible, but I didn't feel great, and I gained 4.4 lbs. Totally not worth it.

Amy says (and I've heard it before) that you should only weigh once a week because you fluctuate so much.  I definitely fluctuate during a day (weighed 3 lbs more this evening clothed than this morning not), but without fail, every day that I really eat to live, the next day I've either stayed the same or gone down.  Not much fluctuation at all, and the fluctuation is in the direction I want! :)

I just need to stick to the plan, and all will be well.

Today:
S: 4.5 plus nap
W: 135.8
E: 40 minute walk with Beth, essentrics l/b
7:00 peaches
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, chili, mushrooms, onions, grapes
4:40 grapes

 

Day 15: Manic Monday binge

Weighed in at my lowest yet. Almost down to my high school weight. But I am already
smaller than I was...size 6 and 4 instead of 10 s and 12 s. I didn't stick to my 3 meals rule, but I have a feeling that I'm going to make it down to below 130 by the end of the month! Hooray for progress!

Today:
S: 6 hours?
E: essentrics a/a, 30 minute walk with Beth
W: 131.4
7:30 banana with walnuts
12:00 normal salad and grapes
4:00 grapes
6:00 left over spaghetti, African pineapple kale soup, grapes, almond milk
8:30 strawberries, chips and salsa
9:30 chips and hummus, a few bites of peach

Days 11, 12, 13, and 14.

I've been in Boise visiting John this weekend, and didn't have internet, but I did type up a post each day, so here they are, including today's:

9/20/12

Day 11: He prepareth the way for them.

            I used to be so shy, so wary of drawing attention to myself in any way.  I still don’t love attention, but I’ve learned to be comfortable being different.  It’s one of the many perks of being plant-based.  I’ve had to be upfront about what I do, and sometimes why.

            I’m in Boise for the weekend to see JA.  I’m staying with Whitney and her family.  When I unloaded my cooler of food into the miraculously empty crisper (so bendicida!), Whitney’s sister-in-law asked me what my diet was.  I said that it was Eat to Live and that it prevents and reverses diabetes, and I’m doing it to try to not get it. (Whitney laughed at that partJ)  Her sister-in-law, Sarah, said that she needs to do that.  And she loved the peach she ate (don’t worry, I brought almost a full box to share…compensation of some sort for having the strange veggie eating girl come stay!)  Dios siempre nos provee la manera de cumplir con lo que nos manda! Siempre!

Today:

S: 5.5

W: 134.8

E: essentrics l/b

7:30 peaches

12:00 usual salad, banana

4:00 banana and walnuts

5 ish a few grapes

9/21/12

Day 12:  Good people           

I spent the day in bed…well, almost.  I got up at 9 and studied and showered, the worked on thesis work for 2.5 hours, took a nap for an hour, then worked for another 3.5 hours. Whitney’s family has been so good…just letting me work, but always so kind and giving when I leave my Amish yellow haven.  I didn’t know what the plan was for tonight.  JA picked me up at 6.  I’d figured we’d probably eat, and thought maybe at a restaurant, where there have been very few times when I haven’t been able to find something approximating ETL.  But we went to his home, where his mother (who was gone to a Scout Meeting, so I didn’t get to meet her) had made a huge bowl of bean and veggie salad for dinner because JA had told her that I don’t eat meat, milk, or eggs.  How blessed can I be?  I’ve heard stories about people who are criticized or mocked or estranged because of going vegan.  Whenever I’ve told people about the way I eat, they may not agree with what I do, but they have ALWAYS been supportive.  So blessed with good people in my life. 

Today:

S: 8

W: ?

E: essentrics a/a

10:00 2 peaches

2:00 spinach, spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, chili, banana, walnuts

6:30 bean salad, rice, juice, bread

9/22/12

Day 13: Couldn’t be happier.

I had such a great day with John today.  His parents are wonderful and his mom has been nothing if not accommodating for my Eat to Liveness.  En serio, estoy tan feliz.  The end.  

Today:

S: 6 hours

W: ?

E: essentrics l/b

10:00 cereal, raspberries, raisins

3:00 2 pieces of toast, tomatoes, cucumbers, pear/peaches

8:00 veggie enchiladas, spaghetti squash, a roll, peaches, melon

9/21/12

Day 14:  We all have to find our own balance.

S: 6 hours

W: ?

E: n/a

8:00 banana and walnuts

11:00 veggie enchiladas and fruit

2:30 chips, bean salad, salsa, spaghetti squash, fruit

Today Sister Anderson asked what my motivation was for eating vegetarian.  I told her, and she and Brother Anderson talked about some people they'd known who were cured from cancer through different nutritional things.  I think they think I'm a little crazy, but they've been so good, and so welcoming and kind.  After that conversation, I was already thinking, "Maybe I'll do plant-based at home, and as much as possible in public, and do the at least 90% ETL plan after October 22nd."  Then I read HH's blog tonight.  She said we all have to find our own balance.  I'm pretty sure she wouldn't condone non-veganism as part of that balance, but it's true that we need to find our own balance.  I think mine will be like Mother's: Mostly plant-based, but with a little meat and dairy.  I don't want to go to Chile or to people's homes and offend them.  I want to go talk to the Bybee's and ask them how they work it. And decide with my own family how we want to do it.   I do know that I want to be predominantly plant-based and have the "very little meat" be a very little!

Day 10: Walking Alone

I love spending time with family and friends, and was so glad that I got to tonight, as Amy headed up a party to celebrate Hermione Granger's b-day (I wish that some fictional characters were real!) I'm learning (late, like usual) that one doesn't have to be a carbon copy of someone to be friends!  I'm used to not eating the same things, or spending my time the same way that others do.  And I'm fine (more than) with that (most of the time...I do want more time to play!).

This weekend will be interesting.  I'm going to stay with Whitney's family and probably spend a lot of time with John's family, too.  I don't want to cause problems, but I don't want to eat SAD foods either.  Just gotta keep walking alone, I guess!

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 135.8
E: 20 minute run (up the hill!), essentrics a/a
7:15 2 peaches
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili, banana
4:00 grapes

(And, yes, I know that my screen shot caught the arrow on the photo from fb!)

Day 9: Viva Chile y la libertad!

I am still not sure what I'll do long term about eating meat and dairy.  It's going to be tough to travel (Chile, Europe, etc.) as a vegan, and I don't like telling people who cook for me that I don't eat what they cook. But I do know that the vast majority of the time I will be Eating to Live,  and for the rest of my life.  Dr. Fuhrman's 90% rule sounds good, and I know that the Bybees aren't straight vegan all the time.  La libertad viene en hacer lo que el Espiritu nos dice, y se que debo estar comiendo para vivir para siempre!

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 135.8 (Mire que no subi 10 kilos como pensaba! :)
E: 25 minute walk with Beth, essentrics l/b
7:00 banana
12:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad
5:00 3 bananas and 1/2 my African Pineapple Soup
10:00 mote con huesillo

Day 8: Patience

When I was trying to think of a theme this morning, I thought of "patience," thinking patience in losing.  But after a good day, and then eating when I wasn't hungry, I guess it's more about patience with myself.  One day, one meal, even one binge is not going to kill me.  I didn't need it, no, and I didn't even particularly want it, but it's done. And I can move on and do better again tomorrow.  As mi querido Presidente Tanner said "Paciencia, paciencia, paciencia con nosotros mismos."  I felt that about school today too.  Yes, they're asking us to do a lot.  But it doesn't mean that we have to perfect at it tomorrow.  We just keep trying and we never give up.   Todo saldra bien!

Today:
S: 6.5 hours
W: 133.8
E: 35 minute walk with Beth, essentrics a/a
7:00 bowl of pears
12:00 spring mix, tomatoes, cilantro, chili, banana
4:00 grapes
8:00 chips and salsa, peaches, Pineapple Peanut soup.

Day 7: Restraint

We had regional conference today, and it was great.  Sister Oaks talked a little bit about being single, which inspired me to go read her book. I started it years ago and picked up this afternoon where I had left off.  One of the things that hit me from my reading today was her quoting President Packer as saying "The Devil does not practice restraint."  And my guess is that if he doesn't, we should.

I was in the mood to eat something sweet and fatty...thinking peanut butter popcorn, but the answer to both "Do you need it?" and "Do you really even want it?"  was "no," so I practiced restraint, and didn't do it.  I am getting better at controlling my addictions, regardless of my weight patterns.  I gained a little bit from yesterday, but I'm feeling good, and I'm not worried.  Part of today's talk/reading was about timing.  I'm going to stick to ETL as much as I can, and if I don't reach my goal by September 30, or by conference, that's okay.  I'm doing better at living what I know, and todo saldra bien!

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 133.8
E: walk to and from S's house, pm yoga
12:30 spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, chili, sliced pears, banana and walnuts
4:00 banana and walnuts

Day 6: Gratitude

I am just so grateful today.  Grateful to be healthy and strong, and to be getting healthier and stronger every day.  Grateful for a day of less scheduledness.  Grateful to my God for SO MANY BLESSINGS...my knowledge of and love from and for Him, my family, friends, work, studies, health, the beautiful earth, TEMPLES, fe, LOVE, etc, etc, etc.  I keep thinking that I couldn't be more blessed.  Life isn't perfect, but it's so good.  But He keeps surprising me with more blessings, opportunities, and LOVE.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 133.4
E: 30 minute hike on the Shoreline Trail, 1 hour walk with Beth, essentrics l/b
12:30 Cafe Rio veggie salad with extra guacamole and pico de gallo, a banana

Day 5: Enduring

During our meeting on Wednesday, Ramona said that people who get PhDs are not any smarter than anyone else, they just endure.  Regardless of whether or not I decide to sign up for that kind of enduring someday, today was an enduring day.  I was tired, and overwhelmed, and ate 2 bagels when i didn't need either.  But it all turned out okay.  I didn't give in and do India Palace or Cafe Rio when I wasn't hungry, as an I-might-as-well-because-I've-already-made-a-mistake-binge.  And I have exercised for at least 50 minutes every day this week!!  We'll just keep on goin'!

Today:
S: almost 5 hours
W: 134.2
E: 35 minute walk with Beth, essentrics a/a
6:30 bowl of pears
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, chili, banana
1:40 banana, pumpkin bagel
2:15 ish cinnamon raisin bagel
3:00 grapes

Day 4: Vision

I love waking up with a scripture in my head!  SO blessed.  Today it was "Where there is no vision, the people perish" Proverbs 29:18.  In the past, when I've gotten down to around 135, I have always binged and gone back up.  But I have a vision of what I need to be.  And I will NOT binge this time.  I love that Beth is on board, too.  I can be plant-based solo, (or maybe not as well as I thought!) but it's so much easier to stay on track when someone else is doing it, too.

I have to say that walking and running and essentrics are right up my alley when it comes to exercise.  I am feeling so strong and so good! And my body getting stronger gives me a vision of what can be, of what is coming as I do my part.

And tonight I was tempted to go to bed without doing essentrics, but I knew that I had to stick with the plan and I did them anyway.  Glad I did.

Today:
S: 6.75 hours
W: 135
E: 35 minute walk with Beth, essentrics l/b
7:00 bowl of fresh pears...so yummy!
12:20 spring mix, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, cilantro, chili, banana
3:40 rest of salad (didn't have enough time to finish it at lunch), grapes

Day 3: Accept personal responsibility

I've been reading the Relief Society book Daughters in my Kingdom.  I love it!  I'm not going very fast, but I try to read a little bit every day (except on days where I'm reading something else gospel related besides the Book of Mormon, which I read every day).  Today I read a little bit about becoming self reliant.  One of my favorite side boxes said  "Accept personal responsibility for health, education, employment, finances, food, and other life-sustaining necessities."

I am accepting personal responsibility for my health by eating to live, and by exercising!  I've done cardio every day this week! :)

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 136
E: 20+ minute run, essentrics a/a
7:00 bowl of fresh peaches.
12:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad (bless Beth's heart for getting one for me yesterday!) and a banana
3:45 grapes

Day 2: Doubt not, fear not.

Today is 9/11.  11 years ago I was at BYU-Idaho.  I found out about the attacks on the twin towers when I got to the elementary school where I was doing a practicum.  I didn't realize the full implications of what had happened then, and still don't, really.  I do know that we drew together as a school (Elder Bednar's calm and faithful "keep going" message and singing the only closing hymn at a devotional that I've ever known of "Come, Come Ye Saints" were life-changing) and as a nation.  May we ever remember those who have died, and live our lives to honor our God, regardless of the situation.

I woke up with Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 in my head this morning.  I was applying it to doing school and thesis things, but it applies so well to 9/11 events, and to what I'm trying to do by going totally plant-based.  I know that this is what I'm supposed to do right now (La Cassie me dijo que me veo delgadisima del lado).  I just need to keep going, not giving in to binging when I'm close to cutting through my plateau, not doubting or fearing.

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 137.8
E: 30+ minute walk/run with Beth, essentrics l/b
6:45 2 pears (from our own tree! Delicious!:)
12:15  spring mix, onions, tomatoes, cilantro, mushrooms, chili
3:45 banana, grapes

Day 1: Be a Pioneer.

"You don't have to push a handcart, leave your family dear, or walk a thousand miles or more to be a pioneer.  You do have to have great courage, faith to conquer fear, and work with might for a cause that's right to be a pioneer!"

I've been thinking about being a pioneer...in thesis, in school (don't worry, Elder Holland raised the bar again yesterday...it's going to get harder, and teaching is harder than it's ever been), etc.  I just need to plow in (LOVE my Presidente Tanner) and keep going, sticking to my convictions.  I can have faith to conquer fear, as I move forward in might for a cause that's right.  And one of those is being totally plant-based and ETL for 6 weeks.  Today was day 1. Tomorrow I'm going to cut down on gum.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 138.6
E: 24-35 minute run/walk, essentrics a/a
7:30 two fresh peaches, sliced
12:00 spring mix, grape tomatoes, chopped onions, cilantro, mushrooms, chili
4:00 banana (and lots of gum!)

Committing.

Today was crazy busy, but good overall.  One of my favorite parts was listening to the CES fireside by Elder Holland.  He is amazing.  And I am SO BLESSED to know that we have living prophets NOW. One of the things that he said was that we can NEVER check our religion at the door.  Any door.

I know that being plant-based, and eating to live is not a religion, but I do feel like I was led to it by divine inspiration, and that it helps me draw nearer to God when I do it (NOT saying that people who eat other things are not spiritual...this way of eating just helps me feel more in tune), so I need to be committed to it.  I was debating eating borscht at J and J's house, as well as sampling Beth's biscuits, but after the talk, I decided that I wasn't going to check my commitment to eat to live at the door either, so I didn't give in to dairy or meat juice (I smell like meat after having spent time at their house :(.  I did eat lots of chips and salsa.

But tomorrow is the beginning of 6 weeks of real ETL. We'll see where it takes me.  October 22 will be my 6 week mark, and is when Taylor's new album will be released...maybe with the Ronan song on it. I stand up for loved ones present, future, and departed.

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 138.4
E: n/a
5:00 grapes, tomatoes, rice, spicy green beans, mango salsa and corn chips at Amy F's bridal shower
6:00 three bananas, a tortilla with peanut butter and honey, a cup of soy milk
7:00 cucumbers, tomatoes, and onions with basalmic vinegar, chips and Montano's delicious salsa.

What I believe enough to DO.

I follow several blogs that are plant-based or vegetarian.  One of them is peasandthankyou.com .  Sarah has a great take on life, and I love that she shares her faith (and her recipes!) with all of us.  Her most recent post is about friendship and french fries.  She's helping raise money for an organization to help orphans with Down Syndrome and other health issues and disabilities.  Her friend Kim helps with some of the orphanages involved.

I love what Sarah says about Kim:  "Through her you see that it's not just what you believe that counts, it's what you believe ENOUGH TO DO.  Even when it's hard."

Last night, Amy shared Taylor Swift's latest song.  It made us cry.  It's dedicated to a little 4 year old boy, Ronan, who passed away from cancer, and is co-written by Taylor and his mother.  It's heart-wrenching.  All of Taylor's income from this song will be donated to cancer research. (Don't worry, I've already bought it.) At one point, the little banner at the bottom said "Tell us who you stand up for."
And I realized, for the millionth time, that this plant-based phase of mine can't be just for a little while.  I stand up for those suffering from preventable diseases, and for my own health and for that of my family every time I make a choice to eat to live. I'm still not sure that I will be 100% plant-based for the rest of my life.  But I DO believe enough to make it my lifestyle forever.

Today:
S: 8 plus
W: 140.8
E: yard work, pm yoga
10:45 granola with soy milk
3:00 spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, palta, chili, banana
5:00 fresh garden tomatoes!, 3 peaches (didn't give in to peanut butter and tortillas).

"It just takes some time...

Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright, alright."

I love that song from Jimmy Eat World.  It just takes some time.  Teaching is crazy this year.  We have new teams, a new core, new essentials, new schedules, new programs, new assessments.  All this with new kids and ostensibly 8-4 workdays and lives to live.

So I came home and binged today.  But it was all plant-based.  And tomorrow is another day. And I am blessed.

Today:
S: 5 hours
E: n/a
7:30 two delicious fresh peaches!
11:25 chips and salsa
12:00 chips and salsa
12:15 hummus, carrots, and grapes
2:00-3:30 chips and salsa
6:00 jamba juice...carrot, banana, etc.
8:00 2 tortillas with peanut butter and honey, hummus and carrots, granola and soy milk
9:00 granola and soy milk.

Saying no.

Thought about eating granola post-temple shift, but didn't, because I wasn't hungry.  But I'm eating hummus tomorrow.  And probably granola, too.   :)

Today:
S: 6 hours
W: 138.2
E: essentrics l/b
12:00 spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, palta, chili
2:30 banana
10:00 herbal tea

3 hours of sleep...is never enough.

Unless you have already slept for 6 or more and are taking a 3 hour nap.  This would not be one of those times.  I stayed up until 4 am reading, like the book addict that I am.  I get to spend time with JA tonight, and have temple tomorrow...I'm gonna crash Friday night, for sure!  The good news is, that I haven't let the cansansia turn into a binge excuse!

Today:
S: 3 hours
E: pm yoga
12:15 salad mix from Amy, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili
5:00 banana
6:30 banana, tortilla with peanut butter and honey.

It's all in your head.

Really, anything I do or don't do comes down to what is going on in my head.  I'm totally psyching myself out about JA.  Obviously him not calling means that he hates me and never wants to see me again.  Right.

But I did GREAT on food today.  And I'm going to do essentrics before I go to bed, because I can.  And I'm smiling.  Because I can choose to do that, too.

Today:

W: 143.8

S: 6.5

E: essentrics a/a

11:00 small cup of peaches with pineapple juice

4:00 2 oranges

9:00 couple of large pieces of pineapple

10:30 bites of beans and salad

Catch up...can wait.

So I'm procrastinating writing down all that I ate this weekend (did okay until today!), just like I'm procrastinating really eating sanely.  I REALLY stink at moderation.  The end.

Today:
S: at least 7 hours
E: ha!
10:00 fried potatoes, green smoothie, roll with peanut butter and honey
11:00 roll
4:30 veggie cafe rio salad...lots of veggies and deliciousness.
5:30  ate 3 milkshakes with Beth.  Not a good plan.
8:00 1/3 of a pizza, 3-4 macadamia nut cookies.

Raw hotdogs and other things I'm willing to sacrifice for my unborn children.

Once upon a time, when I was young, I loved to eat uncooked hotdogs.  Of course, they were fully cooked before packaging, but I didn't think that they needed any additional cooking. I ate them as often as I could.  Until the day that my mother told me (I was probably 12 or 13 at the time) that she'd heard that raw hotdogs can cause miscarriages.  I think I MAY have eaten one raw hotdog in the YEARS since then.  That's how important my future kids are to me.

I sometimes use food for things besides nutrition and satisfaction...when I'm bored, overwhelmed, tired, distracted.  And I've been doing that a lot lately.  But, I'm often willing to do things for other people that I won't do for myself. So this morning's Happy Herbivore post about Herbie kids Talia and Jacob was providentially timely in teaching and reminding me that what I eat does and will affect my kids.

So here's to recommitting to being as plant-based as possible for the good of my children. Let's pray it works (sticking to it for my kids). Because I am happier when I'm fully plant-based and feel awful when I'm not.  And when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 142.2
E: pm yoga (I think I've mentioned this before, but I've been doing yoga with my school kids every day, and I think it's helping us all.  I even ordered a Tara Stiles yoga video.)
1:50  orange
4:30 a few garden grape tomatoes, a banana, asparagus, a little bit of IP rice and veggie coconut korma.

AND, I resisted the temptation to eat tonight after I got home from the temple!