I am worthy.

John couldn't come after all this weekend.  And in spite of me wanting to see him, it's actually a blessing in disguise for several reasons.  I can work on my thesis more, I am able to spend more time with Cassie before she moved to Portland, and I was able to have a multiple hour facebook chat conversation with my friend Vanessa about abuse.  I found out that she had been abused through her blog, and wrote her a message, mentioning that I had been too, when I was little. (Not by anyone related to me...but that is the case with some people). We talked about a ton of things, but one of the things that came up about me was that I am ready to start healing from this. I didn't realize that it has effected me so much, but as we talked several things came up that made me think Oh! Maybe that's why I do this, or act this way, etc.

So I'm trying to believe that I am worthy of being healed.  And I'm trying to get out of the long-term habit of thinking it's not that big of a deal.  Talking with Cassie helped, but V thinks that it's something that I need to talk about with my family too.  And that's a big deal. My parents know, but I hate being vulnerable ever, much less in front of siblings and in-laws that I already feel vulnerable around sometimes. And I worry that my dealing with my past will make it seem like I don't feel like Beth's past is as important.  But both Cassie and Vanessa say that it will probably actually allow her to face her own past experiences.

Today:
S: 5 hours
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili
4:30 orange julius with Beth

Victory!

So many great things today!
I survived teaching today (so tired!) and love my kids.
I didn't call for Brick Oven like I wanted to after school.
Our grant money is all used, so I don't have to log hours! Which means I can sleep tonight! And just work until it's done, which I like better than the hourly thing.  So grateful to have been paid to do this!
AND, Ramona's family has been chosen by a birth mother!  So exciting!!!

Today:
S: 5 hours?
W: 139.4 or .6
E: pm yoga
7:00 banana
11:30 chicken soup with veggies, salad with nuts, raisins and dressing, and a couple of bites of delicious cookie, a banana
4:00 banana, apple, 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and honey

Miracles.

I believe in them.  Today was one.  The fact that I will get 20 hours more of thesis work in in the next 2 days is one as well. Habra milagros hoy si tienes fe.

Today:
S: 4.5 hours
W: 141.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
5:30 banana, bindhi aloo, apple

Vulnerable

That's how I'm feeling right now.  JA hasn't written since Sunday night, and I know he's busy, but I'm feeling like the semi-forward line I put in the last email probably has him running for the hills just because he hasn't answered.  Oh, wait.  No need for him to run!  He's already 6 hours away.

And Beth and I went and had our bf% tested.  I've lost 18 pounds and 4% bf since January 25, 2011.  I've been lower in weight and bf since then, and I'm still in the "moderately lean" category, rather than the "excess fat" category, but it wasn't as low as I was thinking/hoping right now.

So I came home and ate.  Brilliant plan.  And then Beth bought cookies and of course I ate most of them.  I just can't do this anymore!  SOMETHING has got to change.  And I'm the only one who can choose for me.

Today:
S: 8 hours!
W: 136.8
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 Cafe Rio Salad
4:30 bowl of granola and almond milk
5:00 18 cookies and a bowl of vegetable soup
9:30 rice and bindhi aloo

addiction.

I talked to Marissa Jensen about food today while my kids were looking at the Santa's shop stuff.  She's stopped eating sugar (8 months ago) and has decided it's going to be this way for the rest of her life. I'm excited to talk to her more about it.

I'm addicted to sugar.  I'm also addicted to time-sucking activities on the internet.  I worked for 8 hours on my thesis today, but too many writing minutes were spent on non-thesis-related things.  Need to do better.

Beth is being my mother right now, and made my lunch for me with a cute note written on a paper towel.  She is truly saving me.

Today:
S: about 6 hours
W: 138.8
E: essentrics a/a
6:30 pecans and a banana
12:00 romaine, spinach, fiesta mix
4:00 banana, clementine

Blessed.

Beth and I are Eating to Live together, and it makes it so much easier to be accountable to someone.  She has also volunteered to be our vegan chef while I finish up my thesis. LOVE HER. And when J, J, M, A, and B and E came over for dinner and the AMAZING First Presidency Christmas Devotional, they all helped me cut out snowflakes. And I got an email from my Boise Boy.  And there are only 2.5 weeks of school left and I've been inspired with a plan for this month's seating chart that I think will facilitate good working and learning and behavior.
Don't know how I could be more blessed.  My God is with me every hour and is helping me through this crazy time.

Today:
S: ?
W: 139.6
E: n/a
5:30 banana bites with Mathis
6:00 2 corn tortillas with lentil taco filling, lettuce, tomatoes, and palta, 1 banana
7:30 bite of lentils, few bites of tomatoes, few chips and salsa (cleaning up)

Sweet Saturday

I slept for 9 hours last night, and took a nap today.  It was lovely.  I also ate to live, and did essentrics.  Feeling good.  Ayunando for service, thesis and health.

Today:
S: 9 hours
W: 142.6 (20 to go, baby!)
E: essentrics a/a
11:00 banana
2:00 Cafe Rio veggie salad of deliciousness