I am worthy.

John couldn't come after all this weekend.  And in spite of me wanting to see him, it's actually a blessing in disguise for several reasons.  I can work on my thesis more, I am able to spend more time with Cassie before she moved to Portland, and I was able to have a multiple hour facebook chat conversation with my friend Vanessa about abuse.  I found out that she had been abused through her blog, and wrote her a message, mentioning that I had been too, when I was little. (Not by anyone related to me...but that is the case with some people). We talked about a ton of things, but one of the things that came up about me was that I am ready to start healing from this. I didn't realize that it has effected me so much, but as we talked several things came up that made me think Oh! Maybe that's why I do this, or act this way, etc.

So I'm trying to believe that I am worthy of being healed.  And I'm trying to get out of the long-term habit of thinking it's not that big of a deal.  Talking with Cassie helped, but V thinks that it's something that I need to talk about with my family too.  And that's a big deal. My parents know, but I hate being vulnerable ever, much less in front of siblings and in-laws that I already feel vulnerable around sometimes. And I worry that my dealing with my past will make it seem like I don't feel like Beth's past is as important.  But both Cassie and Vanessa say that it will probably actually allow her to face her own past experiences.

Today:
S: 5 hours
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
12:00 spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, chili
4:30 orange julius with Beth