Time to do.

In my blog reading today, I came across this video.  I like how this man decided to do what he could, and he achieved his dream.  And he's happy.

My favorite part: If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it.

There are so many things that I want to do.  They don't get done unless I do them.

Today:
S: 3 hours
W: 146.2
E: pm yoga
12:00 banana
4:00 coconut cupcake of deliciousness
6:30 berry nut salad and Tuscan white bean soup

Not much too much...

But still too much.  This is one of our (Beth, Jesse, and I's) favorite videos.  Makes us laugh every time, and we use the words "much too much" on a semi-regular basis.

Today I didn't binge quite as much as I have the last couple of days, but it was still too much.  Working on it.  Still think I'm excusing myself too much.

Today:
S: 5 hours
W: 146.8
E: pm yoga
12:00 soup, salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden, pecan pumpkin cheesecake
5:00 a couple of cookies
9:30 lots of chips and hummus, a couple of cookies, bowl of granola with almond milk

Binging is not frying.

My friend, Vanessa, is so wise.  In our little chat tonight she reminded me that binging is not really frying my fish, and that I have bigger fish to fry.  I'd been using my emotions as an excuse to binge, but binging doesn't really solve anything, doesn't really help me deal with what's really hurting.  So I'll not try to eat perfectly mañana.  I'll just try to not eat more than I need.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 143
E: pm yoga
12:00 spring mix with fiesta mix
4:00 4 apples, 4 granola bars
6:00 6 pieces of pizza, Christmas candy

Agotada.

Can't seem to get my mind to accept that binging isn't helping me feel better.  So trying to eat my emotions, fill my heart with food today.

Today: 141.2
S: 4 hours
E: n/a
12:00 fiesta mix, grapes
4:30 2 king size paydays
6:30 LOTS of fries, a hamburger, ice cream

Monday madness.

I binged so much today.  V said it might be better not to try to control it, but I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet.  At least I know some of the reasons why I do it now.

I'm so exhausted.  Can't decide if that's better or worse than feeling everything right now.  Hurting for V and what she's dealing with right now. Have occasional moments of pain for Little Johanna, but most of the time, it's just my regular daily grind, in a very exhausted state.

Today:
S: 7 hours
W: 137
E: pm yoga
7:30 banana
11:30 usual salad
4:00 grapes
5:00 4 pb and honey sandwiches, pasta sauce and artichokes
8:30 4 cinnamon rolls and milk.

I am a fighter.

I remember one reunion, Aunt Evonne and Kristy and I talking about being feisty.  Kristy said that she didn't see me as being feisty, and Aunt Evonne said "I don't know, I think Johanna can be pretty feisty when you get her going."

I am feisty tonight.  In a I-will-not-be-a-victim-anymore sort of way.  And I will do all that I can to help others heal as well, just like Vanessa and Beth and helping me heal now, and how I'm sure my therapist-to-be will help me, and most of all how my Savior, Jesus Christ will continue to help me.  I will work to be like Him.  I know there are hard and dark days ahead (I waited a little after coming home before logging in to chat with V. Not because I don't love her, or want to talk to her, but I wasn't quite ready to deal with my abuse for a little while, and I think that's okay), but I know that there is also healing and light in my future, lots of it.  Todo Saldra Bien.

Today:
S: 7 plus hours
W: 135.6
E: pm yoga
10:45 spring mix, chili, tomatoes, mushrooms, a banana
5:30 2 bowls of rice, lentils, tomatoes, pineapple and olives (my plant-based version of Hawaiian Haystacks)
7:30 couple of grapes, couple of bites of fiesta mix.

Choosing to heal.

Today has been eye-opening.  I'm choosing to heal, choosing to deal with this abuse that I experienced so long ago and that has been there all along.  It wasn't okay. It isn't okay.  And I'm so grateful for Vanessa and Beth and healing together.  Todo Saldra Bien.


Today:
S: 3.5
W: 136.6
E: pm yoga
8:00 tortilla, potatoes, salsa, 2 servings of applesauce
4:00 2 small bananas, spring mix, tomatoes, mushrooms, chili