kids, motivation and "raw" hot dogs

Once upon a time, Johanna loved raw hotdogs (the fully cooked, prepackaged kind, but cold, not recooked).  She ate as many as she could, as often as she could until the day that her mother told her that she had heard that eating raw hotdogs can cause miscarriages.  From that day forth, Johanna never ate another raw hotdog.

See, wouldn't I be a great mom?  I give up foods I love, to protect children I haven't got.  Just imagine what I would give for them if they really existed (here on earth...I still have faith that they exist, they're just not here yet!)!

I stress-ate like none other today.  I need to remember my future babies when I'm making my food choices.  What I eat now affects them, but the habits that I'm keeping/forming right now will effect them too. I don't need them to have a binge-eating mother.  Food is for nourishment, not for relieving stress.  Gotta work on that.

Here's a fb find that makes you stop and think.  Our choices do affect our children, current and future.

Today:
E: essentrics a/a
B: banana and walnuts
L: chili, banana, nuts and raisins
D: spinach, spring mix, chili, tomatoes, three pieces of bread with peanut butter and marmalade, caramel and marshmellow popcorn, bananas
S: can of chili, banana, and quite possibly something else.  I just can't remember it right now.

Make it Happen

I have a tendency to be critical of my family's lack of decision-making and planning.  I don't love not knowing what's going on when their plans affect my life.  The other day I was whining about how they just need to decide and make it happen if they want something done.  Thinking about it later, I realized that there are many things that I have just been waiting to have happen, instead of taking the initiative and MAKING THEM HAPPEN.

So in an effort to improve my life, and be less hypocritical, I came up with a list as I journaled on Friday about things that I'm going to make happen.  Church today reaffirmed the need to make things happen, not just wait for them to on their own.

These are some things that I want to make happen before school gets out on the 25th:
1- buy a car
2-put in a lawn (if this one is done before I go on my Science Plus trip, it should be soon enough, but I'm shooting for end of May)
3-defend my prospectus (this is going to be the killer...I'm going to have to go to bed earlier, and get up obscenely early to make it happen)
4-discuss communication issues with my family
5-be closer to my ETL potential

Today:
E: 35 minute walk to campus...beautiful!
B: 2 bananas, walnuts  (felt fine, not super hungry, but ate anyway)
L: n/a
D: chili, spring mix, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, 2 bananas (sort of hungry...ate lots of good food! :)

Fin de semana

I had a great time at Science Plus today...I learned so much!  I kept eating to stay awake though.  I ate a ton of papas fritas at Red Robin too.  Asi son los fines de semana, cierto?

Today:
E: walk home from the mall
B: 3 bananas
L: grapes, 2 bags of wheat thins, one bag of trail mix
S: 2 tortillas with pb and marmalade (What's Mama laid?)
S: pineapple and coconut orange julius
D: garden burger and fries

Old habits die hard

I'm in the habit of eating when I get home from school, whether I'm hungry or not.   I did today.
I'm also in the habit of avoiding thesis work or forgetting that it even exists! I also made/ate pb popcorn and enabled family members today.  Gotta stop that.  But I did say something about the lack of communication. Sort of.  Like I said, old habits die hard.

On a good note, I may have found a potential car!  It's not super new or super nice, but it's nicer than my last one by a long shot!  We'll see how it works out.  I'm not loving the mooching habit that has arisen as a result of my carlessness, although Amy and Beth are SAINTS about giving me rides/letting me borrow a vehicle when I'm in need.

Today:
E: essentrics a/a
B: n/a
L: spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, chili, banana
D: 2 tortillas with peanut butter and honey, 5 bananas
S: 2 bananas, peanut butter popcorn

Throwing the scale out with the bathwater...

I know, I know.  That's not how it goes.  But if I had a baby, there would be no throwing out of that longed-for child!  And the scale is what needs to go anyway.

I've been weighing myself everyday for a while now.  After I weighed in this morning, I was thinking about it as I showered.  Why do I weigh myself every day, and what purpose does my daily weigh-in serve?  I think that I've been using it as a form of mild rebellion.  As in, I will eat as much as possible to numb myself and escape reality, devil and scale be darned.  I don't think I'm fat, but I do eat more than I need to when I'm stressed or avoiding, and the daily weigh in isn't giving me the sort of accountability that I need.  I don't need to worry about how much I weigh, I need to worry about my ability to feel and follow the Spirit.

In the movie, The Lucky One, that Beth and I watched last night (not overly impressed, don't really recommend it in spite of the beautiful scenery and beautiful people), a character is drunk and not ready to help when someone he loves desperately needs him.  I've thought about priesthood holders, and how they need to be ready and worthy to serve and bless at a moment's notice.  I need to focus on being ready to serve and rescue at all times.

One of the showering thoughts this morning was that I need to be doing what will help me feel the Spirit most, and not rely on a number on the scale as any sort of truly valid feedback about how I'm treating my body.  The whole purpose of life is to become like God.  When I overeat, or eat my vegan junk food, I don't feel the Spirit as strongly.  It will require more intentionality, but I'm going to ditch the scale for a while, and focus on my level of intuneness as a more difficult, but more important assessment of how I'm doing.  I will do an occasional weigh-in, maybe once every 2 weeks or so (I'll weigh in on my 1st ETL anniversary, May 8th), but for the most part, will just go with what I'm feeling (or not able to feel) for body-treating feedback.

Here are some things that I know I need to do:  sleep more, eat less, listen to my body and don't eat when I'm not hungry.

Today:
W: 143.2 or .4
E: essentrics l/b
B: n/a
L: spring mix, spinach, fiesta mix, pineapple, banana
D: spring mix, spinach, fiesta mix, banana, apple

Avoiding reality

I was so ineffective at school during the times that the kids weren't there...I did work on my presentation for tomorrow night, but other than that, just dinked around, avoiding reality.

After school I ate and algo me hizo inchar, estuve incomoda en el templo.  The temple was so good with Beth and Mariel.  I feel so much peace there.  And I've realized once again, that I need to quit avoiding my thesis, and just make it happen.  It's scary and hard, though, so I avoid it.

Tonight I avoided reality too...ate Cafe Rio (a cute, flirty boy teased me about enjoying my lettuce...) and went to a movie with Beth.  As K would say, "Reality is SO MUCH BETTER!"

I need to work on avoiding reality, and  instead use all that avoidance energy to make my reality better.

Today:
W: 142
E: essentrics a/a
B: 2 bananas
L: salad, banana
D: 2 peanut butter and honey tortillas, broccoli and cauliflower, bananas
S: Cafe Rio salad, banana

Shopping Marathon

I spent 4 hours mission-clothes shopping with Mariel and Beth this afternoon...Marathon!  I wasn't really hungry and wasn't planning to eat after dinner, but then Mariel requested India Palace as her celebration for getting her English project done, and it felt so good to put some nice, warm food in my worn-out body.
In other news, I know I say this every time that I do essentrics more than one day in a row (and sometimes after just one day!) but I LOVE the way it makes me feel!  Pretty sure that my happier attitude and the fact that I was less prone to binging today (and didn't actually eat between meals, just had a second dinner) are due in large part to the fact that I took care of my body by doing essentrics. And my knee isn't hurting today! It wasn't yesterday, either, but the back of my leg was uber tight/sore, which it isn't today!  BENDICIONES!

Today:
W: 140.6
E: essentrics l/b
B: n/a
L: sping mix, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, palta, chili, a banana, and a pear
D: 3 bananas, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and a white flour tortilla with peanut butter.
D#2: rice and dal