Your negativity unmasks you.

One of the breaks I take during the day is to check Lindsay Nixon's Happy Herbivore blog. I love it. Not only does she have great, simple, inexpensive Eat-to-Live-friendly recipes, but she's witty and smart. Today I read a post on HH from a while back, about dealing with negativity towards veganism. My favorite part of the whole thing was where Lindsay talked about how our negativity reveals our own fears, jealousies, insecurities, etc.

This blog is primarily about eating right and nurturing my body into a better state of health. However, I think that our spiritual/emotional and physical selves are very closely tied, and if one is suffering, it affects the others.

I'm 30 and in my LDS culture that's pretty old to be unmarried. I've always wanted to get married and have a family. So the fact that my 26 year old brother and his wife are expecting their second baby; my 24 year old brother and his wife of 2 months are expecting a baby; and my 22 year old brother is getting married this month is kind of hard to swallow. I'm happy for their happiness, and I'm happy in my own life/skin, but when they don't show that they value or respect me or my opinion/schedule/life, it's tough. And I give into negativity. I'm trying to identify what it is that I'm lacking confidence in. Maybe it's because when they get to get married and I don't, I begin to think that there is something wrong with me, that I'm not good enough, or that because I'm not perfectly happy with the idea that they're getting married and having babies, and I'm not, I'm not earning my right to get married in the future! I don't know. But I think that in some ways I am better qualified to be married (I have a degree, and a job, and a house...none of them have any of those...the 22 year old might have an associate's, and the 24 year old works with my dad) and I let that make me bitter sometimes.

HOWEVER, one of the bright spots in my life right now is my health. I have yet to get really sick this year. I'm at my lowest weight since probably June 1999. And I have energy to do what I need to do. I love knowing that I know what to do to truly nurture and nourish my body (Eat to Live, cardio, essentrics), and that I'm doing it. It feels good spiritually, emotionally, and physically. And it gives me hope that I can overcome negativity and obstacles in other areas of my life because it's been such a long journey to discovering what works best for me in the health arena, but it's working, and I feel SO BLESSED.

Today's stats:

W: 135.2

E: yoga, L/B essentrics, 20 minutes of running in place

B: strawberry green smoothie

L: peach green smoothie

D: brown rice and chola

S: banana and spoonful of peanut butter

Sharing the love!

Today after school, one of my co-workers asked me "What are you doing to get so skinny?" She said that I'm looking really skinny and that she has about 20 pounds that she needs to lose. (I forgot that last Wednesday my friend Katie said that I'm really skinny too.) My co-worker said she has tried everything (high protein, HCG, etc.) and can lose, but then gains it all back, plus some, as soon as she goes off the diet. I told her that I basically eat fruit, veggies, and grain, and that I have a book called Eat to Live, and an extra copy that I bought specifically to share with people when they ask about it! I don't want to push my way of life on others, but I do want to be willing and ready to share if/when they want to know. I told her that I don't eat meat or dairy, and she seemed a little shocked...I said that I'd been leery at first, that it seemed too strict, but that when I tried it, I loved it. I also said that I got into it not just for the weight loss (she said that she needed to lose a lot...20 lbs, and I told her that I've lost about 25 lbs since April) but for the health side of it, that I have a history of diabetes and cancer in my family and that this diet reverses diabetes and prevents cancer. I'm excited to take her my extra copy tomorrow!!

Today's stats:

W: 136.6

E: yoga, essentrics a/a, 20 minute jog in place

B: green smoothie (strawberries, banana, spinach, agave, soy milk and spices)

L: green smoothie (banana, peaches, spinach)

D: 2 bananas, brown rice, and HH's Chola (3rd official recipe I've made from HH...after Pumpkin Pie smoothies, and pumpkin muffins...all SUCH good stuff!)

And I wasn't really even tempted to eat the sugar cookies with cream cheese frosting at FHE!

transition time...

I was released from being Relief Society President today. The last two years have been such a learning experience. I'm far from perfect, but I try, and I love. I was also sustained for my new calling, which is an FHE co-chair. I'll be working with Todd, Mallory and Preston to help group leaders. In my setting-apart blessing, Brother Sandberg said something about this time of transition into combining fhe and ward missionary efforts. I had to smile. I've noticed a pattern of being involved in transitions...My first weekend in the MTC was when Elder Ballard gave the Raise the Bar talk. My generation of missionaries was the group to make the transition from presenting memorized charlas to teaching by the Spirit. The bar was raised for MTC teachers and we started using Preach My Gospel at the same time I started teaching there. I was RSP when we changed wards in April, and am now helping with transition with FHE. I like being in transitional times...I feel like I'm making a difference, and it makes me feel like a pioneer.

I'm also making the transition to being a life-long Eat to Live girl. Before we went to Break the Fast, I prayed that I wouldn't eat anything outside of the plan. And I didn't. Friday's backslide does not define what I do from here on out. Just because the transition isn't immediate, doesn't mean I can't keep going forward. As Taylor so eloquently puts it "Today is never to late to be brand new."

Today's stats:

W: 138.8

E: yoga

B and L: fasting

D: roll, carrots and celery, banana and spoonful of peanut butter.

Perspective

My little brother is getting married this month. He's 22 and I'm 30. I'm a little bitter, and sometimes it's hard to be happy about it all the time. I went to my future sister-in-law's bridal shower today, and while it was going on, my car got towed. $200 later I had my car back, but called my mother crying, because I don't understand why things are the way they are. This evening I found out that one of my best high school friends lost her husband. The things I am facing are so inconsequential to what she's given to deal with. I'm praying for her.

On the ETL vein, how hard this seems depends on my perspective. If I view myself as important enough to take care of all the time, even when that means being the odd man out, I can do it. Today I passed up pizza at one bridal shower, and made sure to ask for water so that I wouldn't have to drink the sugary juice, and at the second one, I passed on the goodies too, even though I was handed a plate and had an internal debate for a minute there deciding whether or not to do it. I am important enough to take care of.

Today's stats:

W: 139.2 (I keep typing a 2 instead of a 3...I'll get there!!)

E: yoga, essentrics arms and abs, 20 minutes of run-in-place cardio

B: n/a

L: green smoothie (peaches, banana, spinach)

D: spinach, tomato, palta, mushrooms, chili

Who I am

I started watching movies/shows after midnight, and stopped at a scary point in a show. Needed something comforting, so I went to lds.org and watched a video about the youth and the temple dedication in El Salvador. I bawled. I am not meant to be less than amazing. And part of being amazing is to try again, to be better tomorrow than I am today, to keep going, keep working, keep trying. I didn't Eat to Live today. But I am a daughter of God with a work to do. Part of that is to be as healthy as I can so that I can serve more effectively. So I will do better tomorrow:

Today's stats:

W: 135.8

E: 20 minutes running in place, essentrics L/B, yoga

B: green smoothie

L: funeral potatoes, veggies with dip, roll, grapes, green smoothie

S: corn chips and hummus

D: funeral potatoes, salad with ranch, roll, several cookies

S: corn chips and chili

Just because you can doesn't mean you should!

I learn so much about myself and life and my relationship with God through my job. A few weeks ago one of my students was being an absolute pain. I asked him why he was acting that way, and he said "Because I can!" I told him that he could choose to do anything that he wanted, but that he would have consequences that he didn't like if he continued. Later that day or week, I was doing something silly...watching a waste-of-time movie late at night or something parecida...and I thought of my student and thought "Just because you can doesn't mean that you should." Sometimes I do things like that on purpose, just because I can, and I can picture Heavenly Father thinking that the consequences of that because-I-can choice will not be to my liking!

In the last few days, I've consciously noticed a couple of times where I've known I could, and chosen not to do something because it wasn't something I should do. The other night I was on netflix, and thought about watching a movie, and didn't. And tonight Beth and I went by the grocery store, after going to the temple, to buy spinach for tomorrow. We went by the hummus, and of course bought it and some chips to go with it. It was tempting to eat them when we got home, but neither of us was hungry, and store-bought hummus and corn chips don't really fit into Eat to Live, and I want to do it faithfully until January 6th! So WE DIDN'T EAT IT! Hooray! Just because it's there doesn't mean it HAS to be eaten. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Today's stats:

W: 136.2 (lowest I've been since high school probably...with the possible exception of the one time I went on a crash diet for 4 days and was soooo jealous of people eating normal food)

E: yoga, 20 + minutes of Powerstrike kickboxing, essentrics a/a (I woke up at 6:30, after only 4 hours of sleep and WANTED to get out of bed just to do essentrics...LOVE it.

B: green smoothie (strawberries, banana, spinach, soy milk, agave, cinnamon and cloves)

L: green smoothie (peaches, banana, spinach, spices)

D: brown rice and dal

Obsession?

When I'm at home, I worry about what my mom thinks of how I look, what I weigh, etc. My love language is words of affirmation, and if I'm not getting them from her, I feel like a failure.

After my recent trip home for Thanksgiving, (during which I did get affirmation, but when I asked about it), I realized that maybe I'm too obsessed with my weight and size. And I am compared to some people. However, I've been vigilant about tracking how much I weigh for a couple of years now, and I feel like I have a healthier outlook and attitude about my weight since I found Eat to Live. I weigh myself every morning and record it. I try to eat healthily each day. I enjoy my food, and I don't beat myself up about it when I slip up a little (although I am prone to binging once I start eating something less than healthy...a might as well go all the way if you're going down attitude?), and I don't get hungry. I feed and nourish my body. I try to exercise each day and I record that. That's about it. I do get self-concious when I'm around my mom. Other than that, I don't really think about what I weigh until it's time to weigh again. I do view losing weight as a successful thing, but I honestly feel like I'm treating my body the way that it's meant to be treated, and I feel good about that. Is it bad to be obsessed with being good to your body?

Today's stats:

W: 137.2

E: yoga, essentrics Legs and bum, 20 minutes of jogging in place.

B: green smoothie-strawberries, banana, spinach with cinnamon, agave, and soy milk. YUM!

L: green smoothie-peaches, banana, spinach, cinnamon and cloves. The spices make it even more delicious!

D: brown rice and dal